vices.

first, it's been 373 days since my last cigarette. that's over a year!! if you know me well, you know it's a big deal. since i was 17, you've always seen me with a smoke in my hand, a pack in my purse, me sneaking out (of church even) to get my fix. it's crazy how getting pregnant meant no vices, having to face my array of emotions with just... ME, no crutch. no smokes, beers, tall glasses of wine, etc. except coffee, i only slightly budged on my coffee with a half-cafe compromise.

it hasn't been easy. but i suppose it's been easier than some one who gives it up on sheer will power alone - because they have a choice, daily. i didn't see quitting as a choice, but a fact, i had to (hats off to those with will power!). i remember just a mere two hours after the pee test, crying on the phone to my bestie. tears about how i'm already a terrible mother because all i could think about was how much i neeeeeeeeded a cigarette. she (of course) calmed me down and reassured me that i wasn't a bad mom, that it was my addiction. boy was it... i was freaking out. happy tears were out numbered by my terrified ones and i had to meet every wave of joy and fear stone cold sober.

after about two weeks, the cravings became mild. and after a year, i've pretty much been in all situations that would have normally triggered one. actually, the hubs and i went to morongo for my birthday in august (it's tradition), and for the first time since i had quit, my craving hit me HARRRRRD. i wanted to buy one, bum one, whatever i needed to do. it was my trifecta! summer swimming + drinks (pina coladas to be exact) + smoking. maybe that sounds lame, but yeah, that's my slice of paradise. luckily, i was all talk, because the second i really, i mean really considered smoking - i thought instantly of my baby and how everything i put in my body still affects her. and i knew if i could just let that temptation pass, i would be in the clear.

i won that day. and when we stumbled through the streets of LA, out on a date, with the nostalgia of our younger days in the air, loud music and kisses that would make you blush... i won that day too.

i got audrey to thank. she keeps me making the right decisions, she's got me growing up and stuff.

*thank you baby, mama would do anything for you*

picture day.

he won't stop growing. i keep asking him to slow it down, but alas, he will have none of it ;)

proof? i swear he was just in kinder, with his little five year old self.

kindergarten - 2011

and then the leap to first grade, where they really stop holding your parent-hand and tell you to "shoo".

first grade - 2012

and now i swear he's fully and completely (almost!) an independent kiddo.

second grade - 2013

but you know what's the best? no matter how old he gets, he still has his same adoring smile.

super-mom.

i re-learned a lesson (one of many i'm sure) this week - and it's only thursday! i tried to be super-mom, i tried and i failed. from the outside looking in, everything looks pretty spot on. no dishes in the sink, laundry is (almost) put away, lunches are made and the baby's bag is packed each night, homework is done, everybody's washed and clean, and dinner is hot on the table.

let me back up. joey started his new job this week! yeeoww! and wowza, he looks mighty handsome in his uniform. if only i could get him to ditch his tom selleck look-a-like stash, well... never-you-mind ;)

and while we're all excited he's back to work in the civilian world, it is making for some pretty long days and extra short nights. to be attentive and 100% there for the kiddos, when audrey just wants to be held 24/7 and henry wants to show you something every 2 minutes and the cat (the damn cat!!!) is crying to be fed or loved or let outside. when dinner is half frozen in the pan cause the baby won't stop crying and you can't feed her AND man the stove. when you're chopping veggies and shouting out spelling words and the relaxing tunes of motown only add to the chaos. when the kids need a bath and you end up soaked yourself. when you've picked out everybody's outfit for the morning, packed all the lunches, wiped down the counters, set the coffee maker (oh, our saving grace). when switch by switch the lights go out and the house goes to bed... i'm still up with the babes every couple of hours - don't even get me started on the horrible sleep habits my child picked up recently when she out-grew her swaddle, the vibrations on the bassinet broke and the heat-wave that forced us to camped out in the living room for a spell. it can all get a little frustrating in the moment.

i know we'll find a new balance, now that our time has become much more sparse. but the trial and error getting there has this mama sad. i was so busy making sure everyone had what they needed and were where they needed to be that i got caught up in the logistics of everything. super-mom fail.

so tonight, when i pick our babies up after work, i'm gonna slow down. 

sloooww it down.

i'll remind myself that everything will get done eventually (or wait for another day), and i won't let it take the place of quality time. i won't rush us through our night so we can get to bed "on time", not at the expense of loving on my family. going back to work often feels like i'm losing so much time, and well, time management has never been my strong suit. but i can't let it steal my sweetness (as it has recently) and replace it with guilt <-- the worst! less clock watching and more giving of myself. more laughing at my boys and their ridiculous jokes, more kisses and songs for my baby, more smiling because i'm happy! i'm tired and achy and poor and stressed and brain-dead and sore, but mostly i'm happy. and it's better to let that joy shine through than that icky list of adjectives.

my lesson? lighten up, loosen the reins, relax, enjoy my family. maybe the laundry will get done. maybe it won't. same goes for the dishes. and the toys scattered about. but my family will have my full attention and my warmth, there's no skimping on that, it's what they need most.

super-mom isn't realistic. but the attempt really made me check my priorities. i don't care how we look from the outside, as long as i'm taking the best care of my family on the inside. 

*deep breath* 

just rush hour stands between me and the very best part of my day - husband, henry & audrey. 

back to the grind.

so many of you have been so empathetic to my first week back to work, surprisingly though it hasn't been that bad at all. in fact, it could be much much harder than it has been.

don't get me wrong, i completely fell to pieces before i even made it out the front door on monday. and then again on tuesday, it's instant heartbreak leaving my little. 

but truly i am fortunate to have things fall into place the way they have for my first couple of weeks back. i'm only working a short six hours AND it's only monday, tuesday & thursday (heyyyooo!). and if that wasn't an easy enough schedule to ease back into the working world, joey has also brought our darlin' in each of those days on my lunch break so i can nurse and love on our wee baby child (we both need it!). 

so you see, it could be much much worse, i could be working a standard eight hours everyday + commute time. i could be leaving her with strangers i've only read reviews on at a daycare. i could be missing her and craving her all day long and only getting home in time to feed her and put her to bed. 

it isn't easy leaving her, but it could be much much worst. so i thank my lucky stars, my boss and my husband for babying me. <3

p.s. my boss is loving all the baby visits. 

p.p.s. our little is three months old! 

all the little ladies.

here's a little throw back to march and our belly bumps! i still can't believe the jackpot we hit, all getting knocked up together ;).

from left to right: jaye (due august), nichole (due july), dahlia (due june), and me (due may). all pregnant with little girls *swoon*  

it has been such an awesome experience being pregnant together and now being mommies together, because at last all the little ladies have been born into the world. 

first came our sweet babes...

audrey elizabeth - may 22nd. 

then came dahlia's little darling...

marcelene olivia - june 20th

next, nichole's pretty gal...

aria capri - june 28th (she came early!)

and then just last week jaye gave birth to her baby beauty...

ruby annalene - august 15th

i love all these little princesses, and their mommies too! audrey is so lucky to have all her baby besties to grow up with; to have endless playdates and life long friendships. 

audrey with marcelene, aria & ruby. 

what a journey we get to walk together with our sweet baby girls. tea parties and dress-up and tantrums and french braids and make believe and baby dolls and hair bows and endless hugs and kisses. 

baby shots.

ugh. i've been dreading this day. i suppose no mom looks forward to those doctor appointments that involve pricking baby thighs and making them squeal. we actually got to postpone it a month, but alas... couldn't avoid this day forever (well, i guess we could, but that's a whole other topic that unleashes an array of opinions).

happy & smiley! 

in all actuality, there was a minimal amount of tears shed today. i completely expected to fall apart myself, but she was such a trooper, and so mama was a trooper too. daddy held her legs, i held her arms and kissed her cheeks... the poke, the instant stillness of her whole self and then the red face and tears. i scooped her up before the doctor even got a chance to put on the bandaids! 

my sweet chubby thirteen pound love bucket and her sore little leggies. did i mention she's a wooping twelve weeks old already?!?!

and to calm her and envelop her in love and safety, we totally monaploized the room and had some comfort-food. (#normalizebreastfeeding) 

she was fast asleep before we even left the office. out of all the anticipated scenarios of this appointment, it went head and shoulders above what i had expected. this mama heart is thankful for that bit. 

the rest of our day went like this: 

chewing her sofie. 

fiddling with her hands (my favorite!). 

bath time (which she LOVES now). 

and here's brother, catching Z's at wal-mart.

P.S. their newest baby cousin was born today too, the beautiful miss ruby (just the sweetest name!), congrats jaye & steve & sofa-loaf!

breast-feeding.

i LOVE nursing my baby. it may not always be convenient: in the middle of the mall, in the middle of the night (duh!), the back of wal-mart, at every restaurant we've been to, in the wave pool at soak city, at church, at the park, in the parking lot, standing up... it gets interesting to say the least. it interrupts meals and movies and naps and phone calls and husband/wife time. it's a balancing act - trying not to flash the world, offend the nearest stranger and get my darling to latch, simultaneously. 

but no matter the disruption, interruption or inconvenience, i love it. it's priceless and it's just hers & mine. my moments to study her and groom her. to run my fingers through her hair. watch her fiddle with her hands or grab at my fingers. to stare down at her while she stares up at me (oh the wonder in those big baby blues!), to touch her tiny baby toes and pinch her chubby leg rolls. and when she loses her little baby mind, it calms her, soothes her and makes her feel safe. i'm her safety blanket (literally) and it's the most rewarding of mommy duties. right in the middle of routines and schedules and the hustle and bustle of each day, we break to feed, we break to bond. like life literally tells us mamas to stop, to slow down, to soak it up, because time speeds by and they grow up so quickly. 

i thought i would just be feeding my baby. but it's so much more, so very much more. *heart beam*

oh wait. there was that one twelve hour stint where i had a fever and rolling chills and thought i was going to diiiiie from the pain of nursing her. that was hell. but even then i was passing her all my fighting antibodies to help protect her (hello! amazing!), still though... it was hell.