and just as suddenly it knocks the wind outta my chest and grips my heart with a tightness that is more literal and physical than being socked in the gut.
i miss my husband. simple as that. today marks one whole month. thirty days that i've literally spent in bed, aching over the gaping void of his absence. crying over a jar i lack the muscle to open. spooning my cat and gobbling up her affection. slipping into an empty bed. loosing myself in a book. letting every scion on the road catch my eye. pulling on his clothes the second i hit home. late night candy binges. it's mental, it's physical, it's emotional. it's sacrifice.
i've let myself start the countdown. a few days, a couple weeks, i tried not to pay attention to time. but a month! one out of six(ish), that's a solid block of time and there's confidence behind that. and my time spent heartsick in bed is becoming easier to manage. finding a new normal takes effort! henry and i are settling into our own sweet routine and when it's just me, well, i'm finally starting to cross things off my many to-do lists, coming out of hibernation i guess.
some days feel aimless. some days i'm floored by longing. but people do this everyday. for years even! it gives me strength, it makes me grateful for a short deployment. it makes me lean on God like never before. and then just as suddenly as my pity sack of bricks wipes me out, i find gratitude in my pain, sweetness in my tears, and peace in God's faithfulness.