fifth anniversary.

i've written tons of gushy lovey dreamy posts about my true love (see: thirty-two and handsome , first date, the year of fruit & flowers, dear dad, on the home front, ode to husband, a happy cry, 6.26.09). it's easy for me to go on and on about how when i met him i just knew, he's always been my one and only. granted, it took him a solid 9 years (from the day we met to the day we married), a divorce, and baby Henry before he knew, but we both wouldn’t have it any other way. where there’s a will there’s a way, right? and i whole heartedly believe we were meant to be, that this man would be my husband, there’s no other way to explain how our love could survive the odds of those early years. and not just survive but be solidified, be the one true thing we grasped to when everything else was chaos and destruction. when we were imploding and self destructive. i can’t even count how many times we tried to throw in the towel, wave the white flag, and scream from emotional exhaustion that this was just too much. too much weight for a couple to carry, too steep a path, too ugly for any good to come out of it. and yet, each time we hit that bleak place where nothing felt like it would ever be right, ever be healed, ever be happy, we’d sit side by side, brutal and honest, admitting all of this, peeling away all the ick that surrounded us and know that somehow love still prevailed. and we’d look at the mess we made, we’d pick ourselves up, and start back at square one – i love you. hopeless romantics? maybe it sounds that way, and many times it felt that way, but mostly it took a lot of work. A LOT. we toiled endlessly, and lost a lot along the way. it's where we learned to practice real honesty vs. half truths, true loyalty vs. self preservation, and faith that somehow all the pieces would come together when we’d failed so many times before.

even today it takes a lot of work, granted we aren’t tangled up in the drama and uproar and tough decisions that was our daily life seven years ago, thank goodness. but sometimes we let nuances build, and when they get big and ugly (cause sometimes they do), i am 100 times thankful for our solid foundation. when you come from a place of love, all those idiosyncrasies hold no weight. i often call on God to humble my self-righteous pride, so i can apologize from a place of remorse and not a flimsy attempt to mend fences. i can be so stubborn and he can be so irritating and i cross my heart i'm 100% in the RIGHT! i'm right i'm right i'm right!! i'm not though, i'm stubborn and prideful, all my instincts rush to close up and clam up (expert silent treatment skills). it's hard and necessary to stay open and transparent and forgiving, and i'll resist and fight those flaws for the rest of my life so that i can wake happily and smile genuinely and welcome his early morning wit with loud laughter and not the rolling of my eyes. it's top priority that i take the best care of him, he’s my teammate, and it's lonely and sad when we’re in a stalemate. and so we never stay there long, and no matter how head strong we can be or how hard it is to gain perspective, we keep at it, we preserve, because we love each other, we want the best for each other, and when we made our vows they weren’t just pretty words, they were promises. promises we regularly visit, promises we chose daily not to break.

this man may occasionally drive me batty, but i know that i know that i know, he’s my moon and stars. and he loves me, like really really loves me. even when i'm moody and smell gross, he still wants my kisses and tells me i'm pretty. or when i'm being impossible and pouty, he’ll call me out on it and then follow it up with the hugs and affirmations my ego needs. and the shitty stuff i've done? the stuff i'll never admit to another soul, things that i'm ashamed of, he’s never once judged me or shamed me. no, he carried me and nurtured me until i found my center again. he loves me and he’s for me and he’s the only one in the world who will put everything on the line for me. 

five years, that's a milestone, one i'm ridiculously proud of. we've done a lot of things backwards and against the grain, we've done plenty to set us back in life and keep us on that uphill climb, but this, THIS! we're doing right, this is what makes all those bumps not so dreary. he is my happy ever after, hence all my gushy lovey dreamy posts about him. 

so happy fifth anniversary to my sounding board, my cheerleader, my lover, my best friend, my dream boat. you've always made me happiest and i'll marry you 100 times over. 

a year of firsts!

for the longest time this date seemed far away, and now i feel i'm scrabbling to wrap my head around where the time went. a whole year! 

you're so big and smart and funny, and 365 days ago you were teeny, we had just barely met, you had just barely came to be. *sigh* that first week was pure magic, and i was so amazed we made you and that i grew you and i would be your mom, for always. i thought i'd meet this big milestone with a hint of sadness, i just sincerely wish time could hold tight and let me soak in these moments a little longer. but i'm not sad, i'm so happy when i look at you, so proud of my big girl growing and thriving and just sweet as pie.

at one year old, you are:

hilarious! you always have us laughing. you'll climb up the pillows to the headboard and bang it against the wall and we'll call you "king of the bed." you kiss my belly and give me raspberries until you're outta breath and we'll say you miss your "home". you throw your head back in protest or double over on the spot when you have to wait even a second longer than you think you should and we can't help but smile because even in the midst of a tantrum you're ridiculously adorable. you give the sweetest open mouth kisses, lots for mommy and daddy and brother and your baby dolls... and your reflection in the dishwasher. and we all melt when you shyly lay your head on our shoulder. you are all about being in everybody's business, in brothers face, at my feet, chasing dad across the house, and pushing the kitty's buttons and I love that about you (mama's the same way). you are instantly amazed anytime i sing (others are instantly horrified, mind you), and it's my most favorite to hum twinkle twinkle and caress you and watch you fall fast asleep in the nook of my arms. you are obsessed with brushing your teeth, talking to Siri, standing in the fridge, and being outdoors. you point to EVERYTHING, and anything that goes in your mouth, first has to pass your "squeeze" test. you fake laugh when you see us laughing, you pinch my arm fat when you nurse, and you "pop your booty" when daddy sings the dance song. you've almost mastered how to get off the bed by yourself and the moment you turned one your handful of steps turned into waking all the way across the house, we fondly call you a "walker" (from TWD). you love to co-bathe and co-sleep and even though i can't remember what four consecutive hours of sleep feels like, i love it just as much. anytime we say, "i'm gonna get you!", you get ready for the chase, wound with smiles of anticipation. you are so sweet and cuddly and playful in the morning, and i'm always so sad to leave you. but the look on your face when i come through the door is priceless and the BEST EVER to come home to. you look all your stuffies in the face and then give them hugs and loves, you already want to do all the grown up stuff: real silverware, drinking out of a glass and taking a shower. you are clingy, and needy, and are very aware of what you want. 

i clicked through every picture we took of you since birth (upwards of several thousand) and got to really take in how this last year has changed and shaped us. it's been rough and an adjustment and expensive, but 100 x's more, it's been BIG BIG love and bottomless joy, it's been growth and strength, it's been more prayers and laughter and added happiness. you fit perfectly into our family, you're just as silly and weird and affectionate as the rest of us and we revel in it. we love you, truly. and the love you give us, it's hands down the best love there is out there. happy happy birthday my sweet child, it is a gift to be your mommy.

.....

on your birthday we watched brother get his end of the year award and then played hookie and went to carbon canyon regional park, where it was deserted! we had full range to do and play however we liked. we picnic-ed and played on the swings and introduced you to the slide and let you walk and explore and you were just as happy as could be. it was prefect and intimate and we rounded out the day with songs of happy birthday and the best strawberry cupcakes i have ever tasted in my life. 

the one posting the bunny ears, he's ours. 

henry and i use to ride these same horses and pretend to lasso up "bad guys" while dad was away at boot camp. 

definitely a daddy's girl. 

explorer. 

she likes. 

she's likes it even more when brother pushes. 

very FIRST slide. 

i LOL at this! 

she fell in love with the park. 

*beams* 

can you handle this sweetness?! 

racers. 

birthday whispers. 

that's a wrap. 

my whole enchilada. 

THEE best cupcakes. 

a whole year of firsts, it has been so rewarding. we love you tooties! 

ten on ten (june).

breaking the rules once again. it was a very long day with lots of traffic, lots of errands and me woofing down a sub sandwich before medicating my migraine and snuggling up to my baby... i didn't take even one measly pic.

instead, you get 10 pics of our Knott's trip, lucky you! 

train rides. 

jaye & rubes. 

mommy/baby selfie. 

sweet cousins. 

merry-go-round. 

souvenirs!

picking out a fossil for grandpa rock. 

crystals! jackpot! 

explorer. 

she walks! 

side note: sofie was THEE cutest little mini-mommy with her sunnies and baby and purse, the whole trip. #girlygirl go ahead and scroll on back up, she's the sweetest!