i'm suddenly consumed. nineteen days. that's my countdown. and if i'm being completely honest, i'm apprehensive.
everyone keeps asking if i'm ready and how excited i must be. well... i'm ready in the sense that i have all the necessities for her. but i'm not so much in any other fashion. and excited? i can't really say that that's the leading emotion i'm experiencing, or that it's even in the top five.
i feel terrified, and it runs deep. not just of birth, though the thought of labor has me on pins and needles, but i'm terrified of how it's all going to change. it's so entirely selfish, but the closer my due date comes the more i find myself grieving. grieving our lifestyle... my freedom. and dang it if those thoughts don't make me feel like i'm already a bad mother. but frankly, this is it for the life we know, this is the end of what i've known my daily day to day be. EVERY thing and EVERY aspect is going to change. and for the planner in me, this unknown territory that we're about to go through has risen up fear.
i pray for these changes, for my selfishness, for my fear. i pray the second i lay eyes on our baby they become weightless in the midst of true love. i pray my happiness isn't accompanied by doubts of the unknown. that ready or not, everything will be just fine. that it's not the end of date nights and girls night out and spur of the moment holidays and romance and bed picnics.
i think it's okay that i'm afraid of the unknown and okay to morn our way of life while we get ready to celebrate new life. it's okay that i'm not 100% smiles of excitement. and it's more than okay to let my husband hold me my while i break and buckle under my uncertainty.
i know in my bones, life is only going to get fuller. our wild nights will just be newly defined. but our love... our love is going to double and triple. and in it, i will draw strength.