future unborn babies.

had a craft night with the bestest (aka kris)!

i started out making baby gifts for my niece, the sofs (first birthday on the horizon!) & for my other bestest, dahlia. unfortunately, the onesies we had were for newborns and the sofs is a mighty wee big for teensy clothes anymore. and heartbreakingly, my sweet dahl miscarried at eight weeks.

sorry folks, this blog took a somber turn. healing prayers for my dahl, alex, diego and their angel baby. may God restore their hearts and minds and bless them to the fullest.

and so it is, that i ended up making a baby girl and baby boy onesie for my future unborn babies. is that a bad omen? i suppose that's the 3 mos rule i've heard about. however, i am not pregnant, and thus such superstitions don't apply. besides, i've struggled with my fair share of fears in this department as it is, don't need to add another to the list. anyway, i refuse to see it as a bad omen. these items are making their way into a hope chest, thank you very much. where faith dwells and superstitions have no place.

for our maybe baby girl, ruffles. did i mention i don't know how to sew?! i have a sewing machine that i had to have and have yet to touch. i even bought a three hour beginner class on groupon! i'm setting myself up for sewing success, i just needed a shove to get me motivated. youtube-ed "how to sew a gathering stitch", a few snags with the bobbin and an overall lack of know-how, but i thinks it's beautiful. i cut up a shirt of mine i had only worn once, but hung on to forever (sounds like half of my closet!). but i wore it to the husband's FMTB graduation so in a sense, it's got mommy and daddy already woven into it with love.

for our maybe baby boy, dressed to impress :) there was no actual sewing involved here. but! i do plan to add a zagging-type stitch around the tie & pocket...eventually (meaning, when i think i have this sewing thing down enough not to mess it up).

baby butt pocket! ah!

and moto stash binkie to match daddy.

crafting with the best! after all, my future babies wouldn't have these homemade treasures if it wasn't for them and their help and the little babies growing their bellies <3 (sans jamers ;))

mom's day.

i've never conceived a baby in my womb. never ached for nine months. never dreamed of ten little fingers and ten little toes growing inside me. never felt the twinges, kicks and punches. never labored and held creation on my chest. not ever, not yet.

it's no secret that my "nevers" come matched with an undying longing... and even a natural hint of jealousy for those who are called "mom".

but! i have this equally amazing and dynamically different blessing, i'm a step-mom. a very very proud and happy step-mama.

things come differently when the baby you love isn't of you. natural instincts of a mother are something i've literally had to practice before they began to come naturally. our bonds aren't birthed, they aren't maternal; that is his very special connection with his mom. no, our bonds started with a hand-hold @ dt disney and have been breathed into every day efforts since; of learning, listening, trusting, guiding, consoling, encouraging, disciplining, loving, accepting, growing, and teaching. they've taken years to build, and each day to up-keep. i know it won't ever be the same, and i don't wish it that way. but i also know that what i do share with him, is unique and special, a gift. a gift i wouldn't change or trade for anything on this earth.

mother's day was a tad heavy for me. the world seemed to show me repeatedly that i'm not mom, that i don't fit the criteria (that awkward, 3rd wheel, "step" feeling). i have no delusions about being the mom, only truths about being a mom, knowing first hand about motherhood (even if it doesn't include the whole spectrum). it took me awhile to process the weight of the holiday. to sift through the facts and land upon what matters. and it goes like this:

i'm strapping henry into his car seat. i'm leaning over battling with the seat belt. and out of nowhere, he hugs me, holding on so tight. and i just stay there in that moment, bear-hugging henry & car seat alike. i tell him he's the sweetest bug. and he tells me "well, i DO love you." and that's it, right there, what matters most. no mother's day present could have touched my heart deeper. melt, melt, melt (i'm still melting!).

though this holiday left me feeling left out, my sweet henry did not. i suppose it was selfish to want recognition. when truly it doesn't matter how anyone else views who i am to henry, but henry. and he knows. he knows that i'm his missy, that i love him, that i care for him, and that i'd do anything in this world for him.

i am henry's step-mom. he is my mother's day gift, the gift of step-motherhood.

hush hush.

fear. for the last 24 hours, fear has found it's home at the very tip-top of all my thoughts.

but i can't talk about it. well, not with anyone but God, and boy oh boy is he hearing from me non-stop. like a buzz in his ear of long-winded prayers, set on repeat and full of genuine desperation.

not my will, but HIS, i remind myself. and simultaneously pleading the two match up. i wholeheartedly believe in the Lord's faithfulness, in his mercy and his glory. reminder no. 2, no matter the outcome: the stamping out of my life's biggest fear or it's heart-shattering reality, glory to God. and i shake and quiver under that promise.

my eyes open, my mouth shut, and my heart seeking God. that is my posture.