pumpkin patch.

we continued our tradition at the irvine railroad park (christmas too!) to get our yearly patch fix and came away with some pretty adorable photo memories. enjoy!

embracing my not so pretty truths.

the husband and i are attending a seven week marriage class through our church. it's actually the same class we took four years ago when we first got married. it blessed us tremendously before, and i have no doubt it will bless us again. a lot of dynamics have changed in these last four years (deployments, moving, babies, just plain 'ol growing up), and because we want the very best of each other (and for each other) we're back for a refresher.

it's not easy to admit that the same old problem solving tactics that use to work, don't seem to be keeping us as well oiled as we'd like. or that compromises are harder to come by. or that with the rush of life, we forget to talk about things outside of laundry, dirty diapers and homework.

when we first took this class, we took a general personality test. there are four colors: yellow - the sociable, optimistic, visionary type. blue - the deep thinking, analytic, detailed, systematic type. red - the strong willed, less patient, rational/factual thinking type, and green the easy to get along with, approachable, agreeable type. i was a green/yellow and he was a yellow/green four years ago - we were loose and fun to say the least. i'm now a red/blue and he's a blue/yellow. i was shocked! i'd never seen myself as a red/blue and more so i seem to embody all of the weaknesses and few of the strengths. do you know what the biggest challenge for a red/blue is? to surrender, to give grace. we don't take no for an answer, we charge! we're perfectionists and our standards are high. what does that mean? well, unfortunately, it means i'll drive a point into the ground (and maybe further) before i can "let it go". it means i have high expectations, and i want things done the right way (*ahem* right way = my way). surrender, you say? give grace, you say? *sigh* i'll admit, i'm not completely jazzed to be confronted with my biggest weaknesses. self evaluating, honest evaluating, it's ugly and eye opening that's for sure.

when did i go from the loyal, laid back, fun-loving gal to the slave-driving, control-freak? this sentence makes me wanna cry. okay, maybe "slave-driver" is exaggerating, but i miss old melissa. i know she's still very much a part of me, but i don't free her often enough. i think with the "hard" that life has thrown us, i lost a bit of my sensitivity. maybe a big bit.

i need a change. a transformation. to shed this chip on my shoulder, this unpleasant exterior. i've given it a few goes myself. but who am i kidding?? i can't surrender to anyone but God. and i can't give grace to anyone without asking God to humble me first... although, it helps if i'm actually talking to Him. which i'm not really... unless i really really need something. who feels like the ultimate shitty person now? i'm currently in that self delusional silent phase with my God almighty, knowing he'll welcome me instantly but selfishly not ready for the tears and remorse that come with repentance. God knows, this is my cycle - since junior high. and i know, whether we're on talking terms or not - that He knows all my unsaids. pride and fear can be such reckless destroyers...

seasons are changing - it rained! it even snowed in our local mountains. i foresee my own season of change - of God's pruning. cutting out the excess and exposing all that i keep so neatly camouflaged. it's gonna be a raw winter. but when the spring is upon us, i'll bloom and bare good fruits that are pleasing to Him once more. i can honestly say i welcome it, the whole spectrum.

i'm not unhappy. i have so much that brings me joy, so much that i'm grateful for. but i'm not the best me. not in my faith, not in my marriage, not as a mother, or a sister or daughter or friend for that matter. it's dawning on me, that i don't always like what i see, when i see me. *insert some MJ tunes*

"i'm starting with the man in the mirror

i'm asking him to change his ways"   

can't keep walking down a path you know won't get you where you want to be. and there's not solidity in wanting to be better without the effort betterment requires. so here's to the next seven weeks of challenges and changes, of feeling wildly vulnerable, sharing deeply and listening closely. to praying and connecting and strengthening. to becoming one (again!) with my better-half. to self-improvement, to repentance, to aligning my will and renewing my mind in Christ. 

Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."