new year. new list.

all things are new in the new year! okay, not really, but it's always a perfect place to start anew. with two-thousand-thirteen just days away, i thought it best to knock out my lists, or rather my do's and re-do's.

i'll call these "goals", because this particular list isn't a traditional list of "resolutions" (but that list is to follow!).

1. learning lullabies on our piano. it really is my number one. baby is 19 weeks yesterday and can hear my voice and the sounds around us. and i can't think of anything more endearing than her mommy and daddy and big brother playing her tunes, right now and when she's here - lulling her into slumber.   
2. sew more. i'm starting to get the hang of it. i've branched out from more than just throw pillows! plus there are so many many ideas to steal off pinerest & etsy to 1) spruce up the house 2) make for baby 3) make as gifies 4) fix up that favorite hole-y shirt or pair of pants 5) alterations - additions to old clothes to fancy them up. the sky is the limit really and this past holiday has revived my sewing inspirations. 
3. family vacation. i think next christmas, instead of spending our funds on presents under the tree we should save to spring for a family vacation, maybe a winter wonderland? memories to keep in our hearts forever, instead of toys that end up in next years garage sale.
4. king me. we use to fit into henry's twin at story time. it was a bit of a squish, but we managed. now we do bed time stories in our bed. it isn't much of an improvement as it's only a full, but at least we fit (barely). and now that our family is growing (as am i), we will save left and right, nickle and dime to get ourselves that dream king bed. it may sound silly, but i already have the bedding for it, that's how much i will it so. then the four of us can snuggle comfortably: story time and bed picnics and no worry of mush-pot middle and falling into our soup bowl of a mattress. 

and now for the resolutions, my re-do's. 

1. pray. "have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?" boy does that simple question bring great conviction. there are a couple areas in my life that could use less gossip and more prayer. but not only that, it's my alone time with God, it's where i feel His presence, where i am constantly re-discovering His peace, where my pride is humbled and my heart is softened. pray, more. 
2. be a better spender. nuff said - you all know the drill. i have a plan. husband is on board. plus, we can save without feeling like we always go without. the perfect balance. and i'm determined we find it!
3. cook more. i tend to stick to my list of favorites, my list of perfected meals. i should branch out more. i'm not saying i need to get all fancy in the kitchen, but i can certainly stand to branch out of my chicken & rice and spaghetti nights. plus, santa brought me an awesome new cook book. so really, i have no excuses! 
4. explore. now, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being a home-body. i quite enjoy it. until i've had too much. until all i do is melt into the sofa. there are times to give my home-body a break and stretch my legs. more hikes, more walks, more exploring our back-yard - there are so many things to go and do and see right here in our neighboring towns. time to get off the tush and get out in the world. time to explore more, time for more family adventures. 
5. exercise. that's right, it'll never leave the resolution list. it will pop up year after year after year. lucky for me i get to slide a bit. but 15 minutes a day i will dedicate to strengthening my muscles. this baby weight is already got me struggling and i'm only almost half way there. time to do some squats, walk some laps around the building at lunch time, time to dust off that shake weight. 
6. time. making better use of it. my closest friends and family are scattered. like some 50-75 miles away scattered. and i am determined to make more of an effort to travel to them. and if i can't make it that far, then i will face time them - tis' the time of technology and smart phones. bottom line is, we're gonna see each other more, i'll make sure of it. 

these are ALL tangible. the only thing they require is effort and discipline. which, okay, is sorta a big feat for my lazy tenancies. so i guess i have my work cut out for me. but the rewards to be reaped are more than worth it. 

2013 will be full of new chapters and new experiences. lot's of "new" in our family and we are so very excited and blessed to take you along on our journey of new. 

it's that time of year

when the world falls in love

every song you hear seems to say 

merry christmas

may your new year dreams come true

and this song of mine

in three quarter time

wishes you and yours 

the same thing, too

post christmas.

i'm a procrastinator at heart. i'm also a planner at heart. it's a never-ending battle.

i had our hand-made / home-made gifts (it's become tradition) all laid out in my head. planned. but it was the execution that stole my sleep. sometimes most times, i just don't think to incorporate "re-work" time. you know, because how often does the first go around actually turn out perfectly? or match up precisely with the directions on the crafty blog site you found? i'll save you the guessing. it rarely ever works out the first time. or even the second. and so i spent countless late night hours at my sewing machine (i learned to top stitch!). and even more blankly pacing the aisles of craft stores.

we did it though, with survivor man episodes or teen mom (don't judge.) playing in the background, well after our sweet bug was fast asleep. we widdled our fingers for endless hours, in and out of days until everyone's gift was as perfect as it could be. seriously felt like santa's elf ;)

and christmas eve and christmas day were so very very perfect. full of family, turkey with trimmings, thai dishes that made your face sweat, a late night church service, lit up eyes and expressions of disbelief, fires burning, matching pjs, homemade cookies, music humming, just an all around happiness that warmed you up from the inside.

it really is the best time of year.

i can still feel the buzz, there are toys littering our living room and colorful bags laying around the house waiting for us to unpack them. i can also feel my body slowly but surely wilting with exhaustion. i've got that 2:30 feeling that no snickers bar can cure. i'm day dreaming about my bed and planning out a weekend of NOTHING and ample naps! i love the holidays, and i wouldn't take back one minute of lost sleep or stretching my energy thin. it was worth every second. but now that it's post christmas, i'm am so overly excited to do nothing, no to-do lists, no places to go, no projects to complete, no presents to wrap. nope, nothing but snuggling, cuddling and napping. i'll even take it as far as not cleaning. those legos can stay there, that laundry can pile up, the tree and decorations can stay right where they are. yep. because this mama is pooped, so everything slides ;)

*sings* all i want for christmas...

how rare is it to loose BOTH front teeth right at christmas time?! okay, okay, i suppose it can't be too rare, considering there's a song just for it. i just remember as a child, wanting to sing that song about myself. i, however, did not get that stroke of luck. BUT i'm so very very giddy for henry! it was just two days ago that i sang "all i want for christmas is my one front tooth" all throughout dinner. it may or may-not have been a tad obnoxious ;) i just can't help my excitement for such a lucky line up. and now! today at school, that last little wiggle, and we can officially sing non-stop for the next five days. it's so classic. and when he grows older and looks back he'll have this silly and sweet memory of the christmas where we literally (lovingly)wore-out the song, signing it night and day to him. priceless. i love it!

a time of need.

this post isn't to air my own dirty laundry (although i certainly have my fair share), but just to express this overwhelming appreciation for the much needed help that has come our way lately.

it was maybe a month ago that my husband grabbed my hand, knelt down and led us in a prayer that had me crying out my nose, a prayer to meet our needs. and maybe i shouldn't be amazed, because i should just know HIS power, but every time, EVERY TIME, i am. i am so amazed to witness His handy work. i weep.

now, now with a baby on the way. now with the holidays under way. now is a very taxing time to be struggling. and though i can't recall a time when things were so tough, when money was so tight, i also can't remember a time when there was more joy in our hearts and love in our home.

and what a season to experience such contentment from within, a deeper gratitude for the gifts bestowed upon us, for the spirit of a giving heart and the celebration of our family and friends. i can't help but feel God at work in our hearts.

our time of need has also brought us great joy. and i just want to say a very heartfelt thank you to the family and friends who have given from a place of selflessness, of helpfulness, of love... your priceless gifts (whether you knew how needed they were or not) have helped keep us afloat, helped fulfill future needs for our bun in the oven, and helped meet basic daily needs, but mostly; touch our hearts in the most humblest of ways. you have shed light on our darkness, you have been the sweet souls God used to answers our prayers.

i'm a blubbering mess writing of our gratitude for you. you all know who you are. thank you, from the very bottom of our hearts for making our season merry and bright. we have been greatly blessed by you.

bows and curls and every shade of pink!

WE'RE HAVING A BABY GIRL!!! for now... let me explain. but first...

this thanksgiving was super extra special for me. i had all my parents and all my siblings all the long weekend while. since this almost never happens, i really wanted to take advantage of the opportunity and create something special. 

i just happened to be in my 14th week while everyone was in town and as it turns out, your 14th week is the absolute earliest an ultrasound can detect the gender. so with a giddiness, i made an appointment at one of those places our families could cozy up on the couch at and watch our little beh-beh on the big screen. i truly didn't expect to find out the sex, we really only made the appointment to share a moment with the dear souls we love most in this world. it was something my heart very much desired; to be surrounded by our loved ones and glimpse the new life we're bringing into this world. 

and i'll tell you, i'll never forget the tears *tearing up* that streamed down my face as i held my husband's hand and saw the most beautiful thing we could create bouncing and dancing around inside me. to look on and see my family oo-ing and aw-ing and baby sofie squealing with henry on the floor up front. those feelings, those images, those are the exact moments my heart hoped to treasure. 

*sigh* i'm so thankful for my family indulging us in such sentiments. their support and love and excitement fill me up with such a grateful and humble disposition. 

okay, so i said "for now" because, well, let's just say it was a hard call. our modest little babe would NOT uncross her (i'm calling her her, unless we hear differently) legs... stubborn and shy, sounds like a little lady to me! well, the way she was sitting on her feet, legs crossed so that feet AND knees blocked the goods, made it exceptionally challenging for the technician to get a clear view. and boy did that lady pull out all her tricks to get baby to comply (at the protest of my bladder!), she called in the other tech for a second opinion and they both concluded... BABY GIRL!

i called out to hens, who had told us on the drive over what he wanted:

me: what do you think henry? are you hoping for a baby brother or baby sister?
henry: brother!!
henry: wait! i want a baby sister, so i can beat up her boyfriends if they aren't nice...

joey and i couldn't stop smiling and laughing at his adorableness.

where was i? oh! so i called out to him... "henry, you're getting a baby sister!!" and forever ingrained in my heart is his smile and fist pump to the sky haha, he's going to be the apple of her eye. 

hugging, kissing, belly rubbing and many many tears followed... a baby girl... we're having a **baby girl!!! 

**for now. 

she has already stolen our hearts. you wanna see her?!

she totally has the "rock" nose!

a nice strong heart beat. 

she's so funny, she was just a wiggly-jiggly in there.

and when the lady poked her one too many times, she turned and looked right at us! *creepy* haha!

so they say... we have our anatomy scan with our dr. on the 21st to confirm.

p.s. if our baby girl magically turns into a baby boy, we'd be super-duper happy too. just praying for the blessing of a healthy baby; boy or girl. 

it's an extra magical season this year for our little family. add the holiday cheer and twinkly lights and i'm just bursting at the seams with joy, even more so now that morning sickness isn't plaguing me every hour of every day ;) 

spreading the news.

it was a sunday afternoon (september 16th to be exact) when we returned home from camping for the weekend and went straight to baby-test-taking-time! and that quickly turned to a second annnnddd third test and then to tears of joy and well, shock too! it had been less than a month since joey returned home from deployment; i swear he stepped off the plane, waved, and BAM! i had a baby in my belly! truth be told, we had planned to wait it out another year. but we all know how easily those "life-type" plans get rearranged. and truly, what an amazing blessing to rearrange those silly flimsy plans for.

after the tears died down and the shock wore off (scratch that! i'm still in shock EVERY DAY at the miracle growing inside me) we thought about how to share the special news with our family, after all they had been patiently waiting for years for this particular kind of news. 

first we told our henry. and since he is learning to read, we made him a little story, sat him down and had him read it to us. those sweet moments of anticipation as he realized what we were telling him... and the verdict?! a big thumbs up and then right back to a sword fight with daddy. ha! boys. :)

we invited joey's parents over for dinner and we surprised them with the news when joey prayed for our baby during grace. something extra sweet hearing your husband pray for the most precious gift.

for my mom, since she lives outta state, we mailed a picture of our positive test with a note saying we work extra fast ;) and congrats to being a grammy again! when she got it in the post, we had quite the cry-fest over the phone. 

for my parents we made a little onesie, put it in an unmarked bag and told them we brought them back something from vacation, hehe. 

we really enjoyed spreading the news, talking baby names, admitting fears and just sharing in the wonder to come.  

ode to husband.

i am floored by how much this man loves me. the lengths he goes to take care of me. and how absolutely blinded he must be when he tells me how beautiful i am with my hair sticking out all ten times of crazy, sans make-up and bundled up in over-sized sweat pants. but there's no denying that glint in his eye even when i'm feeling beat and looking like a fresh train wreck.

*sigh* that man.

he literally saves me on the daily.

pregnancy has not been kind to me. and when the nausea and fatigue came thundering through, he came to my rescue. cooking dinners (yak! chicken!), tackling laundry (every woman's dream), putting me to bed even before henry, keeping the kitchen stocked with foods that don't make me gag and flashing that reassuring smile any time i randomly burst into tears.

i've been suffering from migraines this last week. skull-splitting and relentless pounding pain day in and day out. and he is by far my saving grace - these nasty suckers incapacitate me. my mr mom / nurse of a husband sets me up with a bath, massages my aches for far beyond when his hands tire, and he's at my bedside rotating ice packs for heat packs while i'm desperately trying to catch z's. he's at 6 different stores looking for menthol sticks to rub on my temples. he even gave up his cuddle time to let me toss and turn in a bed to myself.

i thank my lucky stars for the way he so lovingly and faithfully cares for me. growing a baby really takes the umph outta you (i had sooo many mis-conceptions!) and i'm overwhelmed with grateful appreciation for my very best friend and all the thoughtful efforts he makes to keep me comfortable, healthy and happy.

he spoils me, he pampers me, he adores me.

it's really something sweet.  

extra extra thankful.

i'm extra over joyed. my family starts arriving in town today! eep! i've been acting like a weirdo all day - it's the form my excitement takes on, the anticipation makes me kooky.

my mama, my brother, my sissy and my nephew are almost here from utah. and then tomorrow, turkey day, my oldest brother and my niece and nephew (who i haven't seen since they were waist high) fly in from kansas. you know what this means?! i get to have my whole family under one roof, MY ROOF! my brothers, my sister, my (many many sets of) parents, plus all the significant others and offspring in tow. add husband and henry and it's a pretty big deal, as it rarely (if ever) happens. there's upwards of twenty-five of us, equally awesome and nutty, and i'm beaming to host us all at my very first thanksgiving feast.

let the belly rubbing, rough housing, extra hugging, food stuffing, finger pointing, story telling, crazy dysfunctional happiness begin!

extra extra thankful and beyond blessed for my dear family.

'tis the start of a beautiful & grateful holiday season.

back-bone.

me "lately", is not me "always". *noted*

as of late, i've been moody, tired, boarder-line antagonistic, but mostly matter-of-fact. some would say i've grown a back-bone in the midst of those not so positive qualities. actually, some have said it. 

looky here, i'm standing up for... for, things i use to feel pressured to budge on! a rare occasion in the face of a people-pleaser. 

as of late, i care less of how my words may be interpreted and more that they finally just make it out of my mouth. i have a voice! i have an objecting opinion! i, no longer, have a problem sharing it (my huge life-long feat). 

as of late, i'm looking less outwardly, and more at the balance inside my home; the most important balancing act in my bubble of a world. 

as of late, i just don't gave (as much) a damn. there. i said it. mind you, these are things i never should have put much weight into from the get go.

these feelings are new to me. i'm a huge softy! i suspect when this cool exterior has a seat at the foot of a warm winter fire, my "as of late's" will most likely melt and morph into a new "lately" (and possibly another blog?? something with a mushy-gushy feel??).

it's a surge. it's probably also a mixture composed partly with pride (darn you pride). i might look back and say, "wow, that was some soap box i was standing on." i might. or i might finally be seeing straight, with my own two eyes. it's too early to tell.

what i am certain of, is my wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve self is having a very healthy, over due growth spurt at the ripe age of thirty-one.

flashback friday ya'll.

here's a little flash-back friday for ya, halloween style. BOO!

2011

2010

2009

2008

trick or treat. smell my feet.

a cleanse.

oh september, why are you still reaching heights of 100+ degrees? not that i entirely mind really, as summer will always be my most favorite season. if only my closet contained an endless supply of dresses...

where was i going with this? oh, yes.

i notice with every autumn, i spring clean. this fall is no exception, if anything i'm bringing out extra dust busters this season. there are cupboards to be organized and closets to be re-vamped and SPACE! there is space to be found! so help me holy God of this Earth please let me find ample space for our endless supply of stuff, pretty pretty please.

it's sort of the best part of spring fall cleaning; to simplify, to un-clutter, to reevaluate my hoarding tenancies - do i really need this?? it's a game i play with myself, my justification game. it can get sorta sick, as my best friend has witnessed first hand when i begged and pleaded for her not to toss out my 7th grade sneakers with the cherished writing of "i love Brad Pitt" scribbled all over them. keepsakes, helllllllooo?! i think of those shoes often. they were hideous and i wore them with skirts. blowing 7th grade fashion minds i tell you. bah, i got side tracked, i get my hoarding from my mothers, it's hereditary they say. do they really say that??

but after all the "what-if's" and "but maybe's", after i apply the husband's wise old rule: if i haven't touched, used, or worn it in in the last year, it's out. i find space, glorious open-wide space! which is always my end goal. well that, and that everything have its "place". sort of a freak about that last one.

it will take time of here and there. weeknight spurts and weekend power urges. last night was a start! and we started in henry's room and already it feels bright and new-ish again.

the nester in me loves a good nitty-gritty deep clean, it contributes to my everyday happiness to have things in order... at least once a year ;) ha!

tackling one room at a time as my energy sees fit.

garage sale to come!! october 6th! mark your calendars and come buy our war-waging-mind-twisting-i-no-longer-need-this-stuff stuff... i bet you'll need it.

vacation photo blog.

a photo blog! husband and i took a mini vay-cay trip to pismo last weekend to celebrate all kinds of things:

• third wedding anniversary.
• his birthday.
  
• my birthday.
  
• home-coming.
  

we're driving up the 101 and i come to find husband has never been to solvang?! hello! necessary pit-stop! it's just the most adorable little danish town with so much quirk and beauty.

we suited up upon arrival.

ice cream kisses. cheese for days! novelty shops. horse rides. windmills. wine tasting.

ring ring! oh, hellllooooooo.

giddy.

our quick excursion ended up lasting several hours - there was so much to be seen! by the time we made it to our destination night had fallen and bellies were grumbling. turns out, a quaint little sushi place was in walking distance and our taste buds were ready to indulge!

the effects of sake.

with saturday came our trip to chamisal vineyards in san luis obispo for their fall release tasting. it was such a lovely just-warm-enough day of sipping glass after glass after glass ;) we're a couple of winos!

photo op.

husband.

myself.

on our way home we stopped in dt pisimo to check out the antique stores and do some window shopping. we also found our selves in another wine store, sipping more yumminess and snacking on olive pate & pita.

testing out a banjo.

is there such thing as too much wine?! probably not, but we had certainly had our fill - as more glasses were had at dinner, but hey! we're in wine country and felt it necessary, even dutiful (he he) to taste many of the local brands. sunday was full of RELAXATION. ahhhh, waking up to coffee and climbing back into bed for some reading in the early day light.

his & hers.

once we mosied outta bed we made plans to see the sealions and do some hiking up at avila beach. seriously the sea lions are so much fun to watch. you can literally stand just feet from them - minding the sign that says they'll bite - but goodness, their "arfs" and bouncing around have the same affect on my heart that fireworks do - happiness!

avila beach fishing pier.

sea lions!

making faces with the wildlife. paddle boarding. view.

we had every intention of hiking pirates cove (the hiking book guide said it was a clothing optional beach - hubba hubba) but that was before we saw the signs for paddle boarding! paddle boarding has been on my summer bucket list since last year and i was sure that's where it would remain until next summer. but nope! we totally fulfilled it, i was literally BEAMING the whole hour. and even better, while out exploring the harbor sealions would pop up next to us as though to say hello. seriously, i was in hog heaven happiness - paddling alongside husband & sealions on the open water. we never did make that hike.

instead we headed back to the condo, picked up an array of delicious meats & cheeses & fruits. salami! prosciutto! cracked pepper! brie! goat! feta! raspberries! strawberries! olives! bread! wine! it was quite the spread. and hunkered down for several competitive games of rummie-o. we've been keeping score for five years now, it's our go-to game on date nights.

a night in.

it was a perfectly quiet weekend of reconnecting, filled with mini adventures and hand-in-hand strolls through the cities. it was a lovely holiday indeed.

a happy cry.

it's not often i experience a "happy" cry. our wedding (both) - yes. the first time henry told me he loved me - yes. after boot camp - yes. these are the ones that stick out in my memory movie reel.

they are far and few between. i just smile really REALLY big, toothy silly grins. but rarely do i cry happy tears.

i did last week. in the privacy of our home, when i didn't have to share my husband with family or the road... from the inner most dwellings of my heart, i wept in his arms. it's funny what the body does when there are no words to describe and no expressions to articulate. when pure genuine joy overtakes every ounce of control. all that makes me me, exploded into softly falling tears.

surreal.

dream-like.

utter happiness.

blessed with love.

my husband, my best friend and biggest fan, - home.

no words.

i can't even begin to put into words what's going on inside me this week. by-golly is it a mixture of the flutteriest butterflies and a roller coaster of the most sensational happy-go-lucky emotions. if my heart had a face, its smile would crack and explode into a thousand mini smiles; beaming with uncontrollable giddiness. yes! yes, indeed it would. imaginary ants in my pants, and i'm wiggly and jiggly with uncontainable enthusiasm.

uncontrollable. uncontainable. anticipation.

if you have yet to guess, my husband in coming home!!! ahhh!!! somebody pinch me, quick!

i can't give specifics on the web. meh! but it's less than a week! less than a week and my heart will have its half. our home will have its whole. our son will have his daddy. and our family will be complete once again.

may the good Lord have mercy on us, cause this hype inside us is bursting at the seams and we simply won't be able to hold back the smothering and drowning of pent up, over-due affection. nope, not at all. a mayhem family love fest it will be.

my cheeks might die and fall right off my face with all this happy beaming grinning smiling.

that's the best i can do. but really, even all these words do no justice. there aren't enough words in the dictionary, or enough expressions of love that could convey my joy.

i'm over-flowing. eep!!!

one-hundred-twenty-one, but who's counting?

i'm counting! it's what i do. no really, counting is literally what i do everyday. but i'm not talking bean-counting; i'm counting days.

it's been four months: 121 days sans husband.

only 60-ish more to go! *fingers crossed*

and it's odd. so very odd. how do wives do this?! i don't mean the "idea" of a military wife or the "thought" of how it might be, i mean the nitty-gritty of facing each day... alone. and the men! my empathy, my sympathy! i will never fully understand what this time away impacts or how their hearts manage while worlds away from their near & dear. ahh sacrifice. on soooo many levels. my hat goes off to all who endure it.

my depression during this deployment is no secret. that's not to say that i don't enjoy myself while out & about, but it's always there, changing form. the heavy ache when he first left, of plain not knowing what to do with myself. and then the shift - taking care of myself, of henry, making summer plans, visiting friends and doing it all alone. and i hate, HATE! that i'm getting use to it, that i am use to it. i don't ever ever want to be use to coming home to our empty abode, use to his absence. and that is the state that drives my depression these days. i feel like i'm in a constant state of waiting. and some days, the days that aren't filled with henry's light or plans with my family, or dates with my friends... i feel it most - the waiting. waiting to hear from him, waiting for the day to end, waiting for life to start back up again, waiting for this physical and emotional gaping hole to be filled once more. we wait for each other and the familiar touch we've gone without.

there's a light! and we can see it! and as the days tick by it gets brighter, more real. he's not leaving, he's coming. boy, to be on this side of time, to know this phase is coming to an end, the anticipation is a glorious build. i can not wait to be suffocated by his kisses, to hog the covers, to have the three of us around the dinner table, to squish onto a twin bed for story time, to have a reason to cook, to watch the laundry baskets fill in record time. to be together, to have my family under one roof again. yes, yes, a glorious build.

i can't wait for this longing, this depression, this state, to dissipate. and it will, the moment i lay eyes on him. *sigh* i could day-dream that scenario all day long ;)

6.26.09

three years ago today, it was a friday. we had taken the day off, woken up early & packed up the car. he ironed my dress while i curled my hair, and his face... his face always does this sweet smolder when he sees my feet in heels, this day more so, not just for high heels, this was our wedding day. we dressed, clothes all neatly pressed, hearts and nerves and butterflies buzzing beneath.

we drove down to the old court house in santa ana, your average morning traffic with a side of coffee and cigarettes and talk radio. parked and paid and wore the biggest of grins as we waited with our two very best friends for our names to be called.

it was a small private room and we stood before the officiant, repeating the traditional standard vows. but in our own voice, spoken with meaning and promise, giving each word life. kissing passionately. it maybe took fifteen minutes, possibly less, i don't recall, but i DO remember the awe that followed. i'm a wife. i'm his wife. we're married! we're forever. even still, i blush with humble pride to call him husband, it raises up the sweetest swell of love inside me - that simple fact - husband.

we left hand in hand. beaming. walking pass the homeless to get to the car. and they smiled and congratulated us and quite literally shared in our happiness for a few moments as we passed. one woman in particular remains clear in my memory, maybe because she showered us with loud and confident greetings as we came and went, or maybe it was me, and the happiness inside me bursting to be shared with anyone crossing our path.

then slipped off the heels and settled in for the long drive up the 101 to the private and serene hills of ojai blaring phantom planet's "california" and singing loudly out of cue with my best friend, my husband.

i'll never forget that day, how perfectly normal it was. how mundane and simple and matter-of-fact it was. but everything about that day brings me great joy.

and the weekend that followed. the giddiness, the acres of privacy, the sun rise, the intimacy, the laughter, the outdoor shower! the silence, the rest, the sharing, the music, the nudity, the openness, the bug bites, the realization as we soaked it all up: our lives, our hearts, our home, completely and utterly (and officially!) devoted to each other now and always.

happy anniversary to my husband, to three years of ups and downs, to successes and set backs, to every day life and still being madly in love throughout it all. i'll forever adore you, for the man you are, for the way you care for my heart, for the love that reaches and accepts all of my darkness and shortcomings, for your raw honesty, for you playful banter and endless encouragement. you are an extraordinary husband.

future unborn babies.

had a craft night with the bestest (aka kris)!

i started out making baby gifts for my niece, the sofs (first birthday on the horizon!) & for my other bestest, dahlia. unfortunately, the onesies we had were for newborns and the sofs is a mighty wee big for teensy clothes anymore. and heartbreakingly, my sweet dahl miscarried at eight weeks.

sorry folks, this blog took a somber turn. healing prayers for my dahl, alex, diego and their angel baby. may God restore their hearts and minds and bless them to the fullest.

and so it is, that i ended up making a baby girl and baby boy onesie for my future unborn babies. is that a bad omen? i suppose that's the 3 mos rule i've heard about. however, i am not pregnant, and thus such superstitions don't apply. besides, i've struggled with my fair share of fears in this department as it is, don't need to add another to the list. anyway, i refuse to see it as a bad omen. these items are making their way into a hope chest, thank you very much. where faith dwells and superstitions have no place.

for our maybe baby girl, ruffles. did i mention i don't know how to sew?! i have a sewing machine that i had to have and have yet to touch. i even bought a three hour beginner class on groupon! i'm setting myself up for sewing success, i just needed a shove to get me motivated. youtube-ed "how to sew a gathering stitch", a few snags with the bobbin and an overall lack of know-how, but i thinks it's beautiful. i cut up a shirt of mine i had only worn once, but hung on to forever (sounds like half of my closet!). but i wore it to the husband's FMTB graduation so in a sense, it's got mommy and daddy already woven into it with love.

for our maybe baby boy, dressed to impress :) there was no actual sewing involved here. but! i do plan to add a zagging-type stitch around the tie & pocket...eventually (meaning, when i think i have this sewing thing down enough not to mess it up).

baby butt pocket! ah!

and moto stash binkie to match daddy.

crafting with the best! after all, my future babies wouldn't have these homemade treasures if it wasn't for them and their help and the little babies growing their bellies <3 (sans jamers ;))

mom's day.

i've never conceived a baby in my womb. never ached for nine months. never dreamed of ten little fingers and ten little toes growing inside me. never felt the twinges, kicks and punches. never labored and held creation on my chest. not ever, not yet.

it's no secret that my "nevers" come matched with an undying longing... and even a natural hint of jealousy for those who are called "mom".

but! i have this equally amazing and dynamically different blessing, i'm a step-mom. a very very proud and happy step-mama.

things come differently when the baby you love isn't of you. natural instincts of a mother are something i've literally had to practice before they began to come naturally. our bonds aren't birthed, they aren't maternal; that is his very special connection with his mom. no, our bonds started with a hand-hold @ dt disney and have been breathed into every day efforts since; of learning, listening, trusting, guiding, consoling, encouraging, disciplining, loving, accepting, growing, and teaching. they've taken years to build, and each day to up-keep. i know it won't ever be the same, and i don't wish it that way. but i also know that what i do share with him, is unique and special, a gift. a gift i wouldn't change or trade for anything on this earth.

mother's day was a tad heavy for me. the world seemed to show me repeatedly that i'm not mom, that i don't fit the criteria (that awkward, 3rd wheel, "step" feeling). i have no delusions about being the mom, only truths about being a mom, knowing first hand about motherhood (even if it doesn't include the whole spectrum). it took me awhile to process the weight of the holiday. to sift through the facts and land upon what matters. and it goes like this:

i'm strapping henry into his car seat. i'm leaning over battling with the seat belt. and out of nowhere, he hugs me, holding on so tight. and i just stay there in that moment, bear-hugging henry & car seat alike. i tell him he's the sweetest bug. and he tells me "well, i DO love you." and that's it, right there, what matters most. no mother's day present could have touched my heart deeper. melt, melt, melt (i'm still melting!).

though this holiday left me feeling left out, my sweet henry did not. i suppose it was selfish to want recognition. when truly it doesn't matter how anyone else views who i am to henry, but henry. and he knows. he knows that i'm his missy, that i love him, that i care for him, and that i'd do anything in this world for him.

i am henry's step-mom. he is my mother's day gift, the gift of step-motherhood.