my sunshine.

a baby post is well over due, so i'll catch you up on what a ray of sunshine she is.

one, she gives the sweetest google-eyes, where she just lights up from the inside out and beams love and joy. she almost only ever does this for her mommy, her daddy and especially her big brother. gah, does she goes goo-goo for him and twinkles her big baby blues anytime he's around.

two, she's my bungee baby: my velcro baby: my "gotta be in mama's arms" baby. she'll only go so far out of my reach before she bungees back to me. sometimes, sure, maybe it's stranger danger. but when it's just us two and she's right in front of my face, but not in my arms... well folks, i have a clinger. and i'm learning very quickly how to do almost every one-handed (left-handed to boot!).

three, on daddy days it's overly apparent that just as much as she's a mama's girl, she's equally a daddy's girl. i can't even do justice trying to put into word the way she looks at him (and vice-versa), or how ridiculously adorable they play together, and how bright her smile is when her dada "is getting her". he is the expert at funny faces, mustache kisses, baby tickles and coaxing out those belly giggles.

four, she's hitting milestones like a champ. at four months on the dot, she rolled. at first i thought it was a fluke seeing as how it was the middle of the night and she did it in her sleep. but nope, within two days she was a professional roller - even showed off for the dr at her appointment (in the midst of a diaper change, no less). and then at five months on the dot she started sitting up on her own, and popped out a tooth, and is now eating (gobbling) rice cereal. it's all happening so fast! and watching her grow and learn at this rapid pace, well, i'm not wishing any of it away. no sir-ee, not even on most challenging of days.  

five, she wakes up every morning a chatty-cathy. it is the epitome of sweet. like waking up to a double chocolate, extra sprinkles, cherry on top cupcake - that kinda sweet. few get to witness how charming this time of day is. she's at her most talkative and she'll go on and on and smile and pet your face and make you not at all regretful that the sun has yet to rise (side note: i'm so thankful for the extra hours at work that started this week, but it's seriously heavy losing out on our morning banter. SERIOUSLY!).

six, we cuddle. we co-sleep and she nurses wherever the heck she wants to (i'm committing all the "no-no's" of every baby book in print!). as much as it would be nice to stretch and roll and catch all my Z's and have a baby that sleeps through the night, i know that time will eventually come, and that's why i'm okay waking up sore and tired. truth be told i'd miss her if she was in her crib - which is currently being used as her toy box. so i'm holding out and soaking up these precious months of family bed, of waking up to her sun-shiny face, and having cuddles in abundance.

seven, she has great comedic timing. i swear she fits right in. farting and/or laughing a the most opportunistic moments. it's never a dull moment between the babes, brother and daddy. and it's always so very transparent that farting is a staple in our house, i accepted this a long time ago.

eight, peek-a-boo. she can be mid-cry, but if you bust out a "peek-a-boo", 95% of the time she'll stop in the middle of tears and beam you a gummy smile. the phrase "peek-a-boo the baby" has been coined in our home. cause when you just need those few extra minutes to finish that one thing that you can't do with her in your arms, peek-a-boo will buy you that time. plus, it's really funny to recognize when she thoroughly enjoys something. because she's picky. you will not get the same response from "itsy-bitsy-spider". and lemme tell ya, i do an awesome itsy-bitsy.

nine, she loves to hear me sing. i'm positive that she is the ONLY one on the planet that wants to hear my tone def renditions of baby lullabies, but i belt it out proudly anyhow, all others in the vicinity are forced to grin and bare it.

ten, she really is a ray of sunshine. no matter what hardships we face, there's nothing a little prayer and some baby hugs can't fix. she brings me a joy i've never known and for every "i love you" i whisper in her ear, i send a "thank you" up to the heavens for blessing us so.

♥

pumpkin patch.

we continued our tradition at the irvine railroad park (christmas too!) to get our yearly patch fix and came away with some pretty adorable photo memories. enjoy!

embracing my not so pretty truths.

the husband and i are attending a seven week marriage class through our church. it's actually the same class we took four years ago when we first got married. it blessed us tremendously before, and i have no doubt it will bless us again. a lot of dynamics have changed in these last four years (deployments, moving, babies, just plain 'ol growing up), and because we want the very best of each other (and for each other) we're back for a refresher.

it's not easy to admit that the same old problem solving tactics that use to work, don't seem to be keeping us as well oiled as we'd like. or that compromises are harder to come by. or that with the rush of life, we forget to talk about things outside of laundry, dirty diapers and homework.

when we first took this class, we took a general personality test. there are four colors: yellow - the sociable, optimistic, visionary type. blue - the deep thinking, analytic, detailed, systematic type. red - the strong willed, less patient, rational/factual thinking type, and green the easy to get along with, approachable, agreeable type. i was a green/yellow and he was a yellow/green four years ago - we were loose and fun to say the least. i'm now a red/blue and he's a blue/yellow. i was shocked! i'd never seen myself as a red/blue and more so i seem to embody all of the weaknesses and few of the strengths. do you know what the biggest challenge for a red/blue is? to surrender, to give grace. we don't take no for an answer, we charge! we're perfectionists and our standards are high. what does that mean? well, unfortunately, it means i'll drive a point into the ground (and maybe further) before i can "let it go". it means i have high expectations, and i want things done the right way (*ahem* right way = my way). surrender, you say? give grace, you say? *sigh* i'll admit, i'm not completely jazzed to be confronted with my biggest weaknesses. self evaluating, honest evaluating, it's ugly and eye opening that's for sure.

when did i go from the loyal, laid back, fun-loving gal to the slave-driving, control-freak? this sentence makes me wanna cry. okay, maybe "slave-driver" is exaggerating, but i miss old melissa. i know she's still very much a part of me, but i don't free her often enough. i think with the "hard" that life has thrown us, i lost a bit of my sensitivity. maybe a big bit.

i need a change. a transformation. to shed this chip on my shoulder, this unpleasant exterior. i've given it a few goes myself. but who am i kidding?? i can't surrender to anyone but God. and i can't give grace to anyone without asking God to humble me first... although, it helps if i'm actually talking to Him. which i'm not really... unless i really really need something. who feels like the ultimate shitty person now? i'm currently in that self delusional silent phase with my God almighty, knowing he'll welcome me instantly but selfishly not ready for the tears and remorse that come with repentance. God knows, this is my cycle - since junior high. and i know, whether we're on talking terms or not - that He knows all my unsaids. pride and fear can be such reckless destroyers...

seasons are changing - it rained! it even snowed in our local mountains. i foresee my own season of change - of God's pruning. cutting out the excess and exposing all that i keep so neatly camouflaged. it's gonna be a raw winter. but when the spring is upon us, i'll bloom and bare good fruits that are pleasing to Him once more. i can honestly say i welcome it, the whole spectrum.

i'm not unhappy. i have so much that brings me joy, so much that i'm grateful for. but i'm not the best me. not in my faith, not in my marriage, not as a mother, or a sister or daughter or friend for that matter. it's dawning on me, that i don't always like what i see, when i see me. *insert some MJ tunes*

"i'm starting with the man in the mirror

i'm asking him to change his ways"   

can't keep walking down a path you know won't get you where you want to be. and there's not solidity in wanting to be better without the effort betterment requires. so here's to the next seven weeks of challenges and changes, of feeling wildly vulnerable, sharing deeply and listening closely. to praying and connecting and strengthening. to becoming one (again!) with my better-half. to self-improvement, to repentance, to aligning my will and renewing my mind in Christ. 

Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." 

vices.

first, it's been 373 days since my last cigarette. that's over a year!! if you know me well, you know it's a big deal. since i was 17, you've always seen me with a smoke in my hand, a pack in my purse, me sneaking out (of church even) to get my fix. it's crazy how getting pregnant meant no vices, having to face my array of emotions with just... ME, no crutch. no smokes, beers, tall glasses of wine, etc. except coffee, i only slightly budged on my coffee with a half-cafe compromise.

it hasn't been easy. but i suppose it's been easier than some one who gives it up on sheer will power alone - because they have a choice, daily. i didn't see quitting as a choice, but a fact, i had to (hats off to those with will power!). i remember just a mere two hours after the pee test, crying on the phone to my bestie. tears about how i'm already a terrible mother because all i could think about was how much i neeeeeeeeded a cigarette. she (of course) calmed me down and reassured me that i wasn't a bad mom, that it was my addiction. boy was it... i was freaking out. happy tears were out numbered by my terrified ones and i had to meet every wave of joy and fear stone cold sober.

after about two weeks, the cravings became mild. and after a year, i've pretty much been in all situations that would have normally triggered one. actually, the hubs and i went to morongo for my birthday in august (it's tradition), and for the first time since i had quit, my craving hit me HARRRRRD. i wanted to buy one, bum one, whatever i needed to do. it was my trifecta! summer swimming + drinks (pina coladas to be exact) + smoking. maybe that sounds lame, but yeah, that's my slice of paradise. luckily, i was all talk, because the second i really, i mean really considered smoking - i thought instantly of my baby and how everything i put in my body still affects her. and i knew if i could just let that temptation pass, i would be in the clear.

i won that day. and when we stumbled through the streets of LA, out on a date, with the nostalgia of our younger days in the air, loud music and kisses that would make you blush... i won that day too.

i got audrey to thank. she keeps me making the right decisions, she's got me growing up and stuff.

*thank you baby, mama would do anything for you*

picture day.

he won't stop growing. i keep asking him to slow it down, but alas, he will have none of it ;)

proof? i swear he was just in kinder, with his little five year old self.

kindergarten - 2011

and then the leap to first grade, where they really stop holding your parent-hand and tell you to "shoo".

first grade - 2012

and now i swear he's fully and completely (almost!) an independent kiddo.

second grade - 2013

but you know what's the best? no matter how old he gets, he still has his same adoring smile.

super-mom.

i re-learned a lesson (one of many i'm sure) this week - and it's only thursday! i tried to be super-mom, i tried and i failed. from the outside looking in, everything looks pretty spot on. no dishes in the sink, laundry is (almost) put away, lunches are made and the baby's bag is packed each night, homework is done, everybody's washed and clean, and dinner is hot on the table.

let me back up. joey started his new job this week! yeeoww! and wowza, he looks mighty handsome in his uniform. if only i could get him to ditch his tom selleck look-a-like stash, well... never-you-mind ;)

and while we're all excited he's back to work in the civilian world, it is making for some pretty long days and extra short nights. to be attentive and 100% there for the kiddos, when audrey just wants to be held 24/7 and henry wants to show you something every 2 minutes and the cat (the damn cat!!!) is crying to be fed or loved or let outside. when dinner is half frozen in the pan cause the baby won't stop crying and you can't feed her AND man the stove. when you're chopping veggies and shouting out spelling words and the relaxing tunes of motown only add to the chaos. when the kids need a bath and you end up soaked yourself. when you've picked out everybody's outfit for the morning, packed all the lunches, wiped down the counters, set the coffee maker (oh, our saving grace). when switch by switch the lights go out and the house goes to bed... i'm still up with the babes every couple of hours - don't even get me started on the horrible sleep habits my child picked up recently when she out-grew her swaddle, the vibrations on the bassinet broke and the heat-wave that forced us to camped out in the living room for a spell. it can all get a little frustrating in the moment.

i know we'll find a new balance, now that our time has become much more sparse. but the trial and error getting there has this mama sad. i was so busy making sure everyone had what they needed and were where they needed to be that i got caught up in the logistics of everything. super-mom fail.

so tonight, when i pick our babies up after work, i'm gonna slow down. 

sloooww it down.

i'll remind myself that everything will get done eventually (or wait for another day), and i won't let it take the place of quality time. i won't rush us through our night so we can get to bed "on time", not at the expense of loving on my family. going back to work often feels like i'm losing so much time, and well, time management has never been my strong suit. but i can't let it steal my sweetness (as it has recently) and replace it with guilt <-- the worst! less clock watching and more giving of myself. more laughing at my boys and their ridiculous jokes, more kisses and songs for my baby, more smiling because i'm happy! i'm tired and achy and poor and stressed and brain-dead and sore, but mostly i'm happy. and it's better to let that joy shine through than that icky list of adjectives.

my lesson? lighten up, loosen the reins, relax, enjoy my family. maybe the laundry will get done. maybe it won't. same goes for the dishes. and the toys scattered about. but my family will have my full attention and my warmth, there's no skimping on that, it's what they need most.

super-mom isn't realistic. but the attempt really made me check my priorities. i don't care how we look from the outside, as long as i'm taking the best care of my family on the inside. 

*deep breath* 

just rush hour stands between me and the very best part of my day - husband, henry & audrey. 

back to the grind.

so many of you have been so empathetic to my first week back to work, surprisingly though it hasn't been that bad at all. in fact, it could be much much harder than it has been.

don't get me wrong, i completely fell to pieces before i even made it out the front door on monday. and then again on tuesday, it's instant heartbreak leaving my little. 

but truly i am fortunate to have things fall into place the way they have for my first couple of weeks back. i'm only working a short six hours AND it's only monday, tuesday & thursday (heyyyooo!). and if that wasn't an easy enough schedule to ease back into the working world, joey has also brought our darlin' in each of those days on my lunch break so i can nurse and love on our wee baby child (we both need it!). 

so you see, it could be much much worse, i could be working a standard eight hours everyday + commute time. i could be leaving her with strangers i've only read reviews on at a daycare. i could be missing her and craving her all day long and only getting home in time to feed her and put her to bed. 

it isn't easy leaving her, but it could be much much worst. so i thank my lucky stars, my boss and my husband for babying me. <3

p.s. my boss is loving all the baby visits. 

p.p.s. our little is three months old!