vices.

first, it's been 373 days since my last cigarette. that's over a year!! if you know me well, you know it's a big deal. since i was 17, you've always seen me with a smoke in my hand, a pack in my purse, me sneaking out (of church even) to get my fix. it's crazy how getting pregnant meant no vices, having to face my array of emotions with just... ME, no crutch. no smokes, beers, tall glasses of wine, etc. except coffee, i only slightly budged on my coffee with a half-cafe compromise.

it hasn't been easy. but i suppose it's been easier than some one who gives it up on sheer will power alone - because they have a choice, daily. i didn't see quitting as a choice, but a fact, i had to (hats off to those with will power!). i remember just a mere two hours after the pee test, crying on the phone to my bestie. tears about how i'm already a terrible mother because all i could think about was how much i neeeeeeeeded a cigarette. she (of course) calmed me down and reassured me that i wasn't a bad mom, that it was my addiction. boy was it... i was freaking out. happy tears were out numbered by my terrified ones and i had to meet every wave of joy and fear stone cold sober.

after about two weeks, the cravings became mild. and after a year, i've pretty much been in all situations that would have normally triggered one. actually, the hubs and i went to morongo for my birthday in august (it's tradition), and for the first time since i had quit, my craving hit me HARRRRRD. i wanted to buy one, bum one, whatever i needed to do. it was my trifecta! summer swimming + drinks (pina coladas to be exact) + smoking. maybe that sounds lame, but yeah, that's my slice of paradise. luckily, i was all talk, because the second i really, i mean really considered smoking - i thought instantly of my baby and how everything i put in my body still affects her. and i knew if i could just let that temptation pass, i would be in the clear.

i won that day. and when we stumbled through the streets of LA, out on a date, with the nostalgia of our younger days in the air, loud music and kisses that would make you blush... i won that day too.

i got audrey to thank. she keeps me making the right decisions, she's got me growing up and stuff.

*thank you baby, mama would do anything for you*