fifth anniversary.

i've written tons of gushy lovey dreamy posts about my true love (see: thirty-two and handsome , first date, the year of fruit & flowers, dear dad, on the home front, ode to husband, a happy cry, 6.26.09). it's easy for me to go on and on about how when i met him i just knew, he's always been my one and only. granted, it took him a solid 9 years (from the day we met to the day we married), a divorce, and baby Henry before he knew, but we both wouldn’t have it any other way. where there’s a will there’s a way, right? and i whole heartedly believe we were meant to be, that this man would be my husband, there’s no other way to explain how our love could survive the odds of those early years. and not just survive but be solidified, be the one true thing we grasped to when everything else was chaos and destruction. when we were imploding and self destructive. i can’t even count how many times we tried to throw in the towel, wave the white flag, and scream from emotional exhaustion that this was just too much. too much weight for a couple to carry, too steep a path, too ugly for any good to come out of it. and yet, each time we hit that bleak place where nothing felt like it would ever be right, ever be healed, ever be happy, we’d sit side by side, brutal and honest, admitting all of this, peeling away all the ick that surrounded us and know that somehow love still prevailed. and we’d look at the mess we made, we’d pick ourselves up, and start back at square one – i love you. hopeless romantics? maybe it sounds that way, and many times it felt that way, but mostly it took a lot of work. A LOT. we toiled endlessly, and lost a lot along the way. it's where we learned to practice real honesty vs. half truths, true loyalty vs. self preservation, and faith that somehow all the pieces would come together when we’d failed so many times before.

even today it takes a lot of work, granted we aren’t tangled up in the drama and uproar and tough decisions that was our daily life seven years ago, thank goodness. but sometimes we let nuances build, and when they get big and ugly (cause sometimes they do), i am 100 times thankful for our solid foundation. when you come from a place of love, all those idiosyncrasies hold no weight. i often call on God to humble my self-righteous pride, so i can apologize from a place of remorse and not a flimsy attempt to mend fences. i can be so stubborn and he can be so irritating and i cross my heart i'm 100% in the RIGHT! i'm right i'm right i'm right!! i'm not though, i'm stubborn and prideful, all my instincts rush to close up and clam up (expert silent treatment skills). it's hard and necessary to stay open and transparent and forgiving, and i'll resist and fight those flaws for the rest of my life so that i can wake happily and smile genuinely and welcome his early morning wit with loud laughter and not the rolling of my eyes. it's top priority that i take the best care of him, he’s my teammate, and it's lonely and sad when we’re in a stalemate. and so we never stay there long, and no matter how head strong we can be or how hard it is to gain perspective, we keep at it, we preserve, because we love each other, we want the best for each other, and when we made our vows they weren’t just pretty words, they were promises. promises we regularly visit, promises we chose daily not to break.

this man may occasionally drive me batty, but i know that i know that i know, he’s my moon and stars. and he loves me, like really really loves me. even when i'm moody and smell gross, he still wants my kisses and tells me i'm pretty. or when i'm being impossible and pouty, he’ll call me out on it and then follow it up with the hugs and affirmations my ego needs. and the shitty stuff i've done? the stuff i'll never admit to another soul, things that i'm ashamed of, he’s never once judged me or shamed me. no, he carried me and nurtured me until i found my center again. he loves me and he’s for me and he’s the only one in the world who will put everything on the line for me. 

five years, that's a milestone, one i'm ridiculously proud of. we've done a lot of things backwards and against the grain, we've done plenty to set us back in life and keep us on that uphill climb, but this, THIS! we're doing right, this is what makes all those bumps not so dreary. he is my happy ever after, hence all my gushy lovey dreamy posts about him. 

so happy fifth anniversary to my sounding board, my cheerleader, my lover, my best friend, my dream boat. you've always made me happiest and i'll marry you 100 times over.