makeover my hair.

i went to the salon last night, intending to get my roots touched up (they were so long i wanted to yak every time they'd stare me down in the mirror).

then i asked my very trusted stylist of 8+ years, if she could do whatever she wanted with it, what would she do?

blonde ombre.

a blonde what? ombre who? so we googled it (thankful for technology at our finger tips!), and pulled up these images:

cute cute cute! it's two toned, dark on top and fading into a lighter color. and since i had a good 2-3 inches of roots it sorta made me a perfect candidate.

i had a mini flashback the the previous weekend, when my hubs suggested i just grow it out. and in a very prissy/whiny way i declared i would NOT have nasty growout hair with 4+ inch (dark)roots and platinum tips. no way no how.

i seriously had a good laugh at myself for the hindsight.

i let my stylist work her magic with the preface: "i trust you, but i can't promise i'm going to love it." in case my initial reaction (if not ecstatic) would hurt her feeling, cause she is super awesome and talented and i didn't want that scenario to happen.

but it sorta did (minus the hurt feelings). i glimpse my wet hair, it's sooo dark! i'm impatiently waiting my blow dry, hoping it will lighten up more than i know it actually will.

then the blow dry.

i hate it. initially. totally and absolutely.

but she knows me so well... i hate my hair the first few days no matter what is done to it (even the hubs made this point to me via phone, he knows me so well too!).

if i like it, i keep it, if i don't, she'll lighten it up next week.

i go home. i avoid the mirrors. i wake up hoping it'll be cuter? but it's just a dark tangled mess from restless sleep.

shower! blow dry! hair product! ratting (a must)! curls!

oh? what's this? my hair is looking... sexy!

and just like that i'm in love.

hubs: DANG! You look hot momma!

tanya (stylist): Holy crap u look hot!!!!! loves it!!!!

my hair got a make over. finally.

shake it out.

this song resonates with me. the lyrics, the conviction. i'm not in a place where this song defines me, but i have been, i most certainly have been. it's beautiful, it's dark, it's the inner struggle... "looking for heaven, found the devil in me".

SHAKE IT OUT

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but its left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

these kinds of mornings.

it always ALWAYS starts with the pitter-pat of kitty feet. crawling all over us, licking our faces, acting very dog-ish.

followed by a sweet voice calling out for dear 'ol, "daaaaddddd... daaaaddddd..."

and then! it's family snuggle morning time. henry sandwiches. singing. forced kitty love. kisses. play biting. half-awake wrestling. tickling and against-will-laughing.

this is my thirty minutes of daily bliss. my very first moments of the day; before to-do lists and traffic and work and getting my family up and ready. it remedies any chance of waking up on "the wrong side".

mundane moments make the best moments for making memories.

morning mayhem full of love & sweetness & sarcasm & jokes & family.

rinse and repeat, for these kinds of mornings.

sleeping beauties.

our little family crawled into bed with our hot cocoa & popcorn to watch a christmas flick.

these two checked out for a visit to dreamy-land right as the grinch's heart started to grow.

aren't theses sleeping beauties precious?

joy.

there was something missing for a bit of a block of time; not missing in the sense that i couldn't find it; rather lacking use.

we all have our seasons...

when we don't listen closely; we're quick to speak, quicker to respond.

we're not as free to give of ourselves; generosity sometimes weights on circumstance.

we become selfish, in some instances knowingly; others we're blindly selfish, following our wants disguised as our needs.

and when things don't add up, when a part of your heart isn't filled up, when the seams start to stretch and snare under the weight of the thoughts you thought were just full of hot steam:

you reinforce your walls.

you don't cry out for help.

you don't bow down on your knees.

you don't pray.

you don't talk to God.

you work it out on your own.

i'm happy to say, this season has ended.

i stopped paving my walls with guilt-ridden thoughts, and they crumbled, just like that. all the hours of wasteful effort building them higher, and it took a split second. a milla-second.

in that moment of letting go, i let my God back in.

and i wept for how much i had missed His presence.

He filled me with a peace i will never find elsewhere, and a joy incomparable to anything on this earth.

my season of silence ran its course, and brought me right where i'm supposed to be: humbled, on my knees, praying, and full of His joy.

thank you God, for your mercy & grace.

"joy to the world the Lord has come!

let earth receive her King;

let every heart prepare Him room"

my latest sob story.

yes. sob. the sobbing has begun...

i'd stop it if i could, paint on my "brave" appearance, but it's rather automatic. the tears are wet on my cheeks before i even realize i've done it again. i've let the water-works stream down my face, run my mascara & soil my shirt.

a fact is a fact, and my fact is: these tears are inevitable, as they countdown to january 27th two thousand twelve.

he deploys, black sea rotation, tentative six months.

don't worry folks. he won't be in harms way (thank God!!!), but he will be away. and a wife without her husband? our family without its daddy? well, life just won't feel the same. and my throat starts to burn and my eyes start to prickle at the thought of daily life without him.

we've been here before, separated by distance for six months. and i have no doubt in my heart that we'll see this to the other side, once again. our marriage & family far out weigh the time and space to come. i know this to be true.

but i'm still going to cry. my heart is still going to ache. because it longs to be close to his, always. everyday. and my soul quite literally dreads the hundred-eighty days that i won't wake up to him every morning.

eeE. prickle. watery eyeballs. sob.

advice.

because advice shouldn't just be something said & heard, but lived & learned.

"people are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; forgive them anyway.

if you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.

if you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway.

if you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.

what you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build anyway.

if you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.

the good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway.

give the world the best you have and it may never be enough; give the world the best you've got anyway.

you see, in the final analysis it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway."

heart? live this. learn this. until you stop beating.