back-bone.

me "lately", is not me "always". *noted*

as of late, i've been moody, tired, boarder-line antagonistic, but mostly matter-of-fact. some would say i've grown a back-bone in the midst of those not so positive qualities. actually, some have said it. 

looky here, i'm standing up for... for, things i use to feel pressured to budge on! a rare occasion in the face of a people-pleaser. 

as of late, i care less of how my words may be interpreted and more that they finally just make it out of my mouth. i have a voice! i have an objecting opinion! i, no longer, have a problem sharing it (my huge life-long feat). 

as of late, i'm looking less outwardly, and more at the balance inside my home; the most important balancing act in my bubble of a world. 

as of late, i just don't gave (as much) a damn. there. i said it. mind you, these are things i never should have put much weight into from the get go.

these feelings are new to me. i'm a huge softy! i suspect when this cool exterior has a seat at the foot of a warm winter fire, my "as of late's" will most likely melt and morph into a new "lately" (and possibly another blog?? something with a mushy-gushy feel??).

it's a surge. it's probably also a mixture composed partly with pride (darn you pride). i might look back and say, "wow, that was some soap box i was standing on." i might. or i might finally be seeing straight, with my own two eyes. it's too early to tell.

what i am certain of, is my wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve self is having a very healthy, over due growth spurt at the ripe age of thirty-one.

flashback friday ya'll.

here's a little flash-back friday for ya, halloween style. BOO!

2011

2010

2009

2008

trick or treat. smell my feet.

a cleanse.

oh september, why are you still reaching heights of 100+ degrees? not that i entirely mind really, as summer will always be my most favorite season. if only my closet contained an endless supply of dresses...

where was i going with this? oh, yes.

i notice with every autumn, i spring clean. this fall is no exception, if anything i'm bringing out extra dust busters this season. there are cupboards to be organized and closets to be re-vamped and SPACE! there is space to be found! so help me holy God of this Earth please let me find ample space for our endless supply of stuff, pretty pretty please.

it's sort of the best part of spring fall cleaning; to simplify, to un-clutter, to reevaluate my hoarding tenancies - do i really need this?? it's a game i play with myself, my justification game. it can get sorta sick, as my best friend has witnessed first hand when i begged and pleaded for her not to toss out my 7th grade sneakers with the cherished writing of "i love Brad Pitt" scribbled all over them. keepsakes, helllllllooo?! i think of those shoes often. they were hideous and i wore them with skirts. blowing 7th grade fashion minds i tell you. bah, i got side tracked, i get my hoarding from my mothers, it's hereditary they say. do they really say that??

but after all the "what-if's" and "but maybe's", after i apply the husband's wise old rule: if i haven't touched, used, or worn it in in the last year, it's out. i find space, glorious open-wide space! which is always my end goal. well that, and that everything have its "place". sort of a freak about that last one.

it will take time of here and there. weeknight spurts and weekend power urges. last night was a start! and we started in henry's room and already it feels bright and new-ish again.

the nester in me loves a good nitty-gritty deep clean, it contributes to my everyday happiness to have things in order... at least once a year ;) ha!

tackling one room at a time as my energy sees fit.

garage sale to come!! october 6th! mark your calendars and come buy our war-waging-mind-twisting-i-no-longer-need-this-stuff stuff... i bet you'll need it.

vacation photo blog.

a photo blog! husband and i took a mini vay-cay trip to pismo last weekend to celebrate all kinds of things:

• third wedding anniversary.
• his birthday.
  
• my birthday.
  
• home-coming.
  

we're driving up the 101 and i come to find husband has never been to solvang?! hello! necessary pit-stop! it's just the most adorable little danish town with so much quirk and beauty.

we suited up upon arrival.

ice cream kisses. cheese for days! novelty shops. horse rides. windmills. wine tasting.

ring ring! oh, hellllooooooo.

giddy.

our quick excursion ended up lasting several hours - there was so much to be seen! by the time we made it to our destination night had fallen and bellies were grumbling. turns out, a quaint little sushi place was in walking distance and our taste buds were ready to indulge!

the effects of sake.

with saturday came our trip to chamisal vineyards in san luis obispo for their fall release tasting. it was such a lovely just-warm-enough day of sipping glass after glass after glass ;) we're a couple of winos!

photo op.

husband.

myself.

on our way home we stopped in dt pisimo to check out the antique stores and do some window shopping. we also found our selves in another wine store, sipping more yumminess and snacking on olive pate & pita.

testing out a banjo.

is there such thing as too much wine?! probably not, but we had certainly had our fill - as more glasses were had at dinner, but hey! we're in wine country and felt it necessary, even dutiful (he he) to taste many of the local brands. sunday was full of RELAXATION. ahhhh, waking up to coffee and climbing back into bed for some reading in the early day light.

his & hers.

once we mosied outta bed we made plans to see the sealions and do some hiking up at avila beach. seriously the sea lions are so much fun to watch. you can literally stand just feet from them - minding the sign that says they'll bite - but goodness, their "arfs" and bouncing around have the same affect on my heart that fireworks do - happiness!

avila beach fishing pier.

sea lions!

making faces with the wildlife. paddle boarding. view.

we had every intention of hiking pirates cove (the hiking book guide said it was a clothing optional beach - hubba hubba) but that was before we saw the signs for paddle boarding! paddle boarding has been on my summer bucket list since last year and i was sure that's where it would remain until next summer. but nope! we totally fulfilled it, i was literally BEAMING the whole hour. and even better, while out exploring the harbor sealions would pop up next to us as though to say hello. seriously, i was in hog heaven happiness - paddling alongside husband & sealions on the open water. we never did make that hike.

instead we headed back to the condo, picked up an array of delicious meats & cheeses & fruits. salami! prosciutto! cracked pepper! brie! goat! feta! raspberries! strawberries! olives! bread! wine! it was quite the spread. and hunkered down for several competitive games of rummie-o. we've been keeping score for five years now, it's our go-to game on date nights.

a night in.

it was a perfectly quiet weekend of reconnecting, filled with mini adventures and hand-in-hand strolls through the cities. it was a lovely holiday indeed.

a happy cry.

it's not often i experience a "happy" cry. our wedding (both) - yes. the first time henry told me he loved me - yes. after boot camp - yes. these are the ones that stick out in my memory movie reel.

they are far and few between. i just smile really REALLY big, toothy silly grins. but rarely do i cry happy tears.

i did last week. in the privacy of our home, when i didn't have to share my husband with family or the road... from the inner most dwellings of my heart, i wept in his arms. it's funny what the body does when there are no words to describe and no expressions to articulate. when pure genuine joy overtakes every ounce of control. all that makes me me, exploded into softly falling tears.

surreal.

dream-like.

utter happiness.

blessed with love.

my husband, my best friend and biggest fan, - home.

no words.

i can't even begin to put into words what's going on inside me this week. by-golly is it a mixture of the flutteriest butterflies and a roller coaster of the most sensational happy-go-lucky emotions. if my heart had a face, its smile would crack and explode into a thousand mini smiles; beaming with uncontrollable giddiness. yes! yes, indeed it would. imaginary ants in my pants, and i'm wiggly and jiggly with uncontainable enthusiasm.

uncontrollable. uncontainable. anticipation.

if you have yet to guess, my husband in coming home!!! ahhh!!! somebody pinch me, quick!

i can't give specifics on the web. meh! but it's less than a week! less than a week and my heart will have its half. our home will have its whole. our son will have his daddy. and our family will be complete once again.

may the good Lord have mercy on us, cause this hype inside us is bursting at the seams and we simply won't be able to hold back the smothering and drowning of pent up, over-due affection. nope, not at all. a mayhem family love fest it will be.

my cheeks might die and fall right off my face with all this happy beaming grinning smiling.

that's the best i can do. but really, even all these words do no justice. there aren't enough words in the dictionary, or enough expressions of love that could convey my joy.

i'm over-flowing. eep!!!

one-hundred-twenty-one, but who's counting?

i'm counting! it's what i do. no really, counting is literally what i do everyday. but i'm not talking bean-counting; i'm counting days.

it's been four months: 121 days sans husband.

only 60-ish more to go! *fingers crossed*

and it's odd. so very odd. how do wives do this?! i don't mean the "idea" of a military wife or the "thought" of how it might be, i mean the nitty-gritty of facing each day... alone. and the men! my empathy, my sympathy! i will never fully understand what this time away impacts or how their hearts manage while worlds away from their near & dear. ahh sacrifice. on soooo many levels. my hat goes off to all who endure it.

my depression during this deployment is no secret. that's not to say that i don't enjoy myself while out & about, but it's always there, changing form. the heavy ache when he first left, of plain not knowing what to do with myself. and then the shift - taking care of myself, of henry, making summer plans, visiting friends and doing it all alone. and i hate, HATE! that i'm getting use to it, that i am use to it. i don't ever ever want to be use to coming home to our empty abode, use to his absence. and that is the state that drives my depression these days. i feel like i'm in a constant state of waiting. and some days, the days that aren't filled with henry's light or plans with my family, or dates with my friends... i feel it most - the waiting. waiting to hear from him, waiting for the day to end, waiting for life to start back up again, waiting for this physical and emotional gaping hole to be filled once more. we wait for each other and the familiar touch we've gone without.

there's a light! and we can see it! and as the days tick by it gets brighter, more real. he's not leaving, he's coming. boy, to be on this side of time, to know this phase is coming to an end, the anticipation is a glorious build. i can not wait to be suffocated by his kisses, to hog the covers, to have the three of us around the dinner table, to squish onto a twin bed for story time, to have a reason to cook, to watch the laundry baskets fill in record time. to be together, to have my family under one roof again. yes, yes, a glorious build.

i can't wait for this longing, this depression, this state, to dissipate. and it will, the moment i lay eyes on him. *sigh* i could day-dream that scenario all day long ;)