in the unknown.

i'm suddenly consumed. nineteen days. that's my countdown. and if i'm being completely honest, i'm apprehensive.

everyone keeps asking if i'm ready and how excited i must be. well... i'm ready in the sense that i have all the necessities for her. but i'm not so much in any other fashion. and excited? i can't really say that that's the leading emotion i'm experiencing, or that it's even in the top five.

i feel terrified, and it runs deep. not just of birth, though the thought of labor has me on pins and needles, but i'm terrified of how it's all going to change. it's so entirely selfish, but the closer my due date comes the more i find myself grieving. grieving our lifestyle... my freedom. and dang it if those thoughts don't make me feel like i'm already a bad mother. but frankly, this is it for the life we know, this is the end of what i've known my daily day to day be. EVERY thing and EVERY aspect is going to change. and for the planner in me, this unknown territory that we're about to go through has risen up fear.

i pray for these changes, for my selfishness, for my fear. i pray the second i lay eyes on our baby they become weightless in the midst of true love. i pray my happiness isn't accompanied by doubts of the unknown. that ready or not, everything will be just fine. that it's not the end of date nights and girls night out and spur of the moment holidays and romance and bed picnics.

i think it's okay that i'm afraid of the unknown and okay to morn our way of life while we get ready to celebrate new life. it's okay that i'm not 100% smiles of excitement. and it's more than okay to let my husband hold me my while i break and buckle under my uncertainty.

i know in my bones, life is only going to get fuller. our wild nights will just be newly defined. but our love... our love is going to double and triple. and in it, i will draw strength.

feet don't fail me now.

33 weeks today. that makes me, what? 8 months and 1 week in. 7 more weeks to go. holy cow!

this weight has finally caught up to me. my sashay has turned into a waddle. my ankles have gone into hiding, i'm sure they're still there under all that swelling. there's a numbness in my thigh. and my heels!! oh my poor poor heels, they kill me. by the end of the day, i'm walking waddling on my tippy toes.

i've reached that stage... of sleeping with my feet elevated and having to soak them in epson salt to get some relief. i'm reluctantly hitting the stores this weekend to find me a good "mom" shoe (shoot me!), as it seems i have to retire my flats and sandals till this baby comes (shoot me, again!).

everything seems to be achy. making me move at a snails pace (except when ice cream is involved, ha! i can always speed up for ice cream). on the bright side? nightly leg rubs and foot rubs have officially begun. even henry uses such rubs to bargain with - that smart sly guy ;).

AND! i got my first (of many i'm sure) stretch mark. i'm not gonna lie, i cried. although, these days i'm pretty much crying over EVERYTHING. i.e. kitty knocked over my water bottle and it broke - i cried. and hard too. sheesh, at least i can laugh through these hormonal surges though. joey swears my laugh has become quite boisterous, and contagious too :).

but, even with all these stresses on my body and emotions, there is a "best" part, and it's her constant movement. warping my stomach, hiccups and even the kicks that reach the most unpleasant of places.

has it hit me yet? nope, still boggled. everyday. excited, yes, but in the most profound and scared ways.

bare all.

my bestest came over and helped capture my thirtieth week of pregnancy. a million thank you's for making me look gorgeous and for capturing the magic when she was squirming about. 

i wanted something simple & intimate, just me in our bedroom. 

here are my favorites ♥. 

his "we're having a baby" moment.

so last night the hubs and i made our way to babies r us to finish adding the last few items to our baby registry, and it was a blast! it's like window shopping but modified, cause you get to scan anything that strikes your fancy!

we found ourselves in the back, walking pass the diapers and wipes and i kid you not, he literally stopped in his tracks, back pedaled and was sniffing the air like he was in a rose garden. his eyes got all glossy, and the biggest smile crept over his face and he says, "this is what i remember babies smelling like." i have no idea the exact thoughts or the memories of baby henry that went flashing through his mind, but he swept me up in the most romantic kisses, rubbing my belly and saying "we're gonna have a little baby" in the most tender of tones. melt me down and scoop me off the floor, cause love is overflowing on isle nine.

i never ever want to forget: my husband, in the middle of the store, rocking in a rocking chair, with a package of baby wipes in his arms and the most priceless expression on his face. this was his "ah-ha" moment, his "we're having a baby" moment, when it all sank in a bit more.

his sentiments have me doubling over with extra love. i thank the good Lord for the man i call husband, and father to our wee ones. we are one lucky bunch to have him ♥.

hello third trimester.

hello third trimester! and hello freak-out time! just a mere 12 weeks to go before our little girl is here.

i'm finally starting to really enjoy pregnancy. my first trimester i was a sick tired mess and my second trimester came with all the insecurities of my changing body.

but here lately everything has shifted. my body, though still growing rapidly, is beautiful. i can look in the mirror now and enjoy what i see and take pride in what's being created inside me ♥.

ohhh and inside! everything feels different, her pokes and jabs aren't as subtle as they use to be, i can feel so much more of everything she's doing in there. she does this flutter when she repositions herself - i call it the baby earthquake, i can literally see my stomach gyrating. to feel her... it's something i can try a hundred different ways to put into words, but will never succeed. so i just smile my secret smile, knowing those punches are only for me :).

the nesting is my favorite. and whether i want it to be or not, it's high on my priority list. organizing and cleaning and planning. i even bring it to work! i can't remember the last time my office was in such tip-top shape. where does all this energy come from?? and please let it last forever hahaha.

sleeping is a whole other ball game. a couple consecutive hours and that's it. toss, turn, pee, sip water, glare at peaceful sleeping husband - repeat. i guess i should get use to it.

and the belly rubs are now non-stop and i don't mind one bit. i do it all day long myself, so much so my shirts are starting to get those fabric balls - i'm wearing them out with all my rubbing! early in the morning and late at night joey gets to feel her wiggle and thump about. and every night at story time henry's got his hand on my belly trying to feel for his stubborn sister. i swear the second we say good night and i lay down with my book she pops right up! she's already teasing him ;)

and to hear my husband speak of her, ah! i melt a thousand times! just this week he found a baby mitten in the wash and he says to me: i'm going to be holding the tiny little hands these go on. i die! he told the dr. that there's no point in fighting it, she's already wrapped around his finger. he's an amazing daddy to our little man, and to think about him with our little baby girl, i just fall in love a million times over. i'm so lucky to parent along side such a sweet handsome man.

in no time at all, she'll be here! time to start washing her clothes, and packing a hospital bag, and touring the labor wing. *eep*

p.s. i still can't believe we're having a baby. 6 straight months of shock have yet to wear off :P

DYI! i swear i can sew.

i love all flags bunted!

and i thought, the idea of sewing fabric on card stock? sooo cute! and a cinch! ...right?? ugh, wrong.

what a mess!

tangled beyond repair.

well, not completely wrong. once i figured out what kept causing the bunching it was smooth sailin'. and i got to know my singer more intimately. i'll admit, i've sorta been a fly by the seat of your pants sew-er. only learning what i need to know to complete the project in front of me. i found buttons i didn't even know existed on this old gal! and thus adjusted the tension and stitch length and wah-la, this project went from disaster status, back to doable.

ah, much better.

after some technical miscommunication (why can't all computers talk to each other?!) and some font re-dos (darn you Word!) and dialing it in with the sewing machine, they are finally ready for send off! 

i love!

dyi, though ten times more time consuming, and sometimes the same cost of paying someone else (if not more), is always my favorite. because what started as an idea, became something created. something personal. and there's something so very satisfying in creating and crafting that has always been fulfilling for me, even with all the bumps and hiccups that come with it. ♥   

on the home front.

this time, a year and a month ago, we were sitting in my car on base going over last minute details, holding hands and kissing when the silence led on for too long.

my heart will never forget the prickles of pain, the brick like heaviness or claustrophobic tightness that came with kissing my husband goodbye. we had been preparing our lives for six months of separation, of ridiculous phone bills, odd hour skype dates, and living in different time zones half a world a way. 

to be on the other side; where last year i lost my husband for a spell, and this year we're bringing a new life into the world - it's rather mind boggling. and having him home, even as mundane as day in and day out can get, it is and will always be my heart's desire. 

but i know that sacrifice of time all too well it feels, and my heart breaks for my dear friends who are saying goodbye to their husbands. to the ones who have already left, and to the ones preparing to go here soon... you have my sincerest empathy.

to even attempt to recall the endless months. the depression, the tears, the late nights, the missed calls, the gaping hole inside, the single parent role. those are days that i don't wish on anyone. and though i know it best, that no body can fill a husband's time or shoes, i'm here for you just as you were all there for me. to help past the time. to laugh or cry you through whatever storms may come. 

to see you through, to the other side of time, when husbands hold their wives and daddies hold their babies and families are complete once again.

♥

deployment in photos: 

navy lego daddy.

good night kisses.

lunch dates.

family skypes.

daddy's sailor.

father's day abroad.

bulgaria.

birthday present secrets.

weekend routines.

home at last.