it's been four months: 121 days sans husband.
only 60-ish more to go! *fingers crossed*
and it's odd. so very odd. how do wives do this?! i don't mean the "idea" of a military wife or the "thought" of how it might be, i mean the nitty-gritty of facing each day... alone. and the men! my empathy, my sympathy! i will never fully understand what this time away impacts or how their hearts manage while worlds away from their near & dear. ahh sacrifice. on soooo many levels. my hat goes off to all who endure it.
my depression during this deployment is no secret. that's not to say that i don't enjoy myself while out & about, but it's always there, changing form. the heavy ache when he first left, of plain not knowing what to do with myself. and then the shift - taking care of myself, of henry, making summer plans, visiting friends and doing it all alone. and i hate, HATE! that i'm getting use to it, that i am use to it. i don't ever ever want to be use to coming home to our empty abode, use to his absence. and that is the state that drives my depression these days. i feel like i'm in a constant state of waiting. and some days, the days that aren't filled with henry's light or plans with my family, or dates with my friends... i feel it most - the waiting. waiting to hear from him, waiting for the day to end, waiting for life to start back up again, waiting for this physical and emotional gaping hole to be filled once more. we wait for each other and the familiar touch we've gone without.
there's a light! and we can see it! and as the days tick by it gets brighter, more real. he's not leaving, he's coming. boy, to be on this side of time, to know this phase is coming to an end, the anticipation is a glorious build. i can not wait to be suffocated by his kisses, to hog the covers, to have the three of us around the dinner table, to squish onto a twin bed for story time, to have a reason to cook, to watch the laundry baskets fill in record time. to be together, to have my family under one roof again. yes, yes, a glorious build.
i can't wait for this longing, this depression, this state, to dissipate. and it will, the moment i lay eyes on him. *sigh* i could day-dream that scenario all day long ;)